Posts by Emma Hart
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Up Front: Good Friends, in reply to andin,
I think this is something a lot of people forget. It will take a long time… and leaving an such a relationship is just the start.
It's also the most dangerous bit. Abusive partners who are left often don't just go, "Well okay then. Guess that's over."
But if you really want to give an alternative view you could say
‘I don’t have any personal experience of your situation, but if I was I would imagine that I would do/feel/think …’
But I really wish you wouldn't, unless your friend has actually asked for advice. If they haven't, why are you telling them what you think you would do? (Because it may not be what you would actually do.)
Those friends who couldn’t, I had to forgive because lord knows I’m crap at it so why should they be good at it, but I did need to spend less time with them.
This, so much. The friends who have managed to support me - and even more, those who've managed to be supportive of both me and my partner - are extraordinary. Those who've stumbled are just human. I don't blame them at all. But I also sometimes can't deal with them.
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Capture: Two Tales of a City, in reply to Rob Stowell,
Like a few others, I determinedly ranked all candidates, just to put Aaron 26th (after a couple of, ahem, unusual types).
I really do want to thank Aaron Keown for his contribution to democracy. There's clearly been a lot of DHB voting that wouldn't have happened if not for him.
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Capture: Two Tales of a City, in reply to Ian Dalziel,
I can’t find Health Board results yet, but as they are STV, they may take longer…
They're here, though I am being told that it's very close for that last spot between Keown and Heather Symes.
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I found this via David Farrier this morning:
One in Ten Young Americans Has Committed Sexual Violence. The study it reports on is here.
It’s not ’one in ten, it’s 8%, but that’s 8% who self-reported that they had “kissed, touched, or “made someone else do something sexual” when they “ knew the person did not want to.” Three percent of teens verbally coerced a victim into sex; 3 percent attempted to physically force them into sex; 2 percent perpetrated a completed rape.”
By the 18-19 bracket, 48% of perpetrators are female. The most common perpetrator is a white boy from a well-off family.
It’s depressing, but what the study recommends is part of what we’ve been talking about here: bystander intervention. “Dude, no, that’s not cool.” And we can all do that.
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Yeah, this is the thing about it having to be a culture change is that can seem huge and intimidating and make you feel really helpless. But it means that all of us can do little things that make a small difference, and it adds up. It's the only way this kind of change happens, in more and more of us saying No.
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Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to Russell Brown,
Thank you, both, for this. It's very close to my own experience, and my own reactions to it. And no, I wouldn't encourage my daughter to press charges either. I might have written a novel largely about this...
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Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to Heather Gaye,
I think when people start complaining about “consent”, the naysayers have a picture in their head of a guy on bended knee saying “May I have your permission to touch your boob” or some nonsense like that.
The idea that ensuring explicit consent is dull is just… you get it’s ‘talking about sex’, right? Now, I understand that finding ‘explicitly drawing up a contract and signing it’ incredibly hot isn’t really ‘normal’, but it’s not, like Heather says, stopping and sitting on your hands and running down a check-list. Sometimes, it’s like this. [Explicit content, won’t look rude if someone glances over your shoulder, but Goodness Me.]
Just that explicit enthusiastic consent is a really good thing to be sure about if you wish to be a better lover than "not a rapist."
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Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to Susan Main,
consent seems like a pretty low bar – how about enthusiasm?
This used to be my view - until someone pointed out to me that people are allowed to consent to sex they're not actually jumping up and down enthusiastic about., for all kinds of reasons.
Now I prefer the Pervocracy's How to Have Sex on Purpose approach.
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Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to Russell Brown,
I’m not going to presume to speak for those who might benefit from it.
No, me neither.
I will. I'm massively triggered by depictions of domestic violence. Other things are distressing, but domestic abuse is triggering. The "It's Not Okay" ads were the first domestic violence ads I could actually watch. Like Megan said, the warning is a chance to brace for it, or to make an informed choice about whether, at this particular time, I can handle it. It costs nobody anything, and it's a morning I don't spend hiding under my desk crying.
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Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to Bob Dobelina,
If my daughter came home and said she’d been wandering around in a park at night I’d tell her it’s a dumb thing to do and it’s unfortunate that’s the reality of it. If something happened to her, I wouldn’t tell her she asked for it but I would suggest that she regulate her behaviour to align with reality.
Dude, the moment you criticise her behaviour in those circumstances – when she’s just experienced the most traumatic thing possible – you are telling her it’s her fault. I hope to every god you actually wouldn’t do that, because it’s repulsive. Have a proper think about lecturing a rape victim.
You are not Just Being Sensible until you ground your views in the reality that the most dangerous place for a woman to be is AT HOME. Accept that as reality, because it is, and then ask yourself, how does someone “align their behaviour” with actual reality, not the incredibly dangerous fairy-tale you’re perpetuating?