Field Theory by Hadyn Green

The other day I was sent an interesting diversion via Twitter (what else is Twitter for?). It was a collection of West Ham's uniforms from 1895 to the present including any one-offs and throwbacks.

What's clear to see is entropy. That is, the uniform becomes more complex over time, with seemingly no way to reverse the complexity.

The 1895 Thames Ironworks (as West Ham began) was just navy from top to socks. The 2009-10 players will wear some kind of checked shirt, red-trimmed shorts and socks with a billion stripes on them. It's far from the worst uniform they've had (Pony and Bukta) but what ever happened to simplicity?

Have a look at Tottenham in 1898 and then track them through to today. They hit the ‘70s and it goes downhill fast. As Spurs supporter Rich Irvine pointed out: "how many ways can they ruin a white shirt?"

There seems to be a worrying trend in sports uniforms to make them "interesting" or "futuristic". The newer uniforms often have more panels and it seems the creators want each panel to be a different colour. And lines aren't always sharp and crisp anymore, they fade out, I assume this is to create a "speed blur".

Here is a chart you can refer to if you need to create a uniform.

The only type that's missing is the solid colour. Any sports team anywhere can rock the solid colour. The more detail you put in the more likely you're going to add something that people hate.

This is why I don't know what to think about the current trend in Pacific rugby. Samoa started it with a stylistic tatau on the right arm and shoulder. Then Tonga followed and now Fiji has a traditional mask pattern over the shoulder.

The Fijian change is arguably the most dramatic. They altered what was, in my opinion, one of the best and most recognisable rugby uniforms ever. (I have contacted the Fijian rugby team to ask why the move was made and how the design decisions were made. At the time of writing they hadn't replied, but I'll let you know if they do).

Of course you could argue that the All Blacks headed that way first. When adidas took over from Canterbury they brought in the sticky jersey material that had a vaguely moko/tribal tattoo look to it. The overt look was eventually dumped, but the new jerseys have the new embossed Fern emblem (look for them on the white jersey versus France in a couple of weeks).

And now the embossed look is definitely "in". England released its brand new Nike alternate kit. Note the embossed triangle pattern, I assume it's a grippy fabric and the asymmetry is because it's for a right-handed player.

It might be the first Nike rugby uniform that I've liked the look of. Except for the colour: a nice dark… purple?

Nike have been known to ignore traditional uniform colours in the past but this time "the purple kit has been roundly applauded for the traditions it evokes". That would be the tradition of England never having worn purple before but instead having (and I'm not kidding) a purple tracksuit.

I don't know how "roundly applauded" the jersey is considering the Telegraph has it in a photo gallery of "Worst Sports Kits".

But there is a line here. It is good to show national pride through a sports uniform, in fact that's pretty much why they exist. But if that creates something that the players feel stupid wearing then it defeats the purpose.

----------------

Tomorrow I'm off to the AnimFx conference here in Wellington. It looks like it'll be one of those "every speaker fills your head with amazing ideas" type of conference. I love video games and I love special effects-filled movies, it's a match made in heaven. And I have heard that there are still some spaces available.

Then at lunch it's the launch of the Wellington Firebirds' new season. Is this the summer I report about cricket? We shall see.
----------------

Finally a reminder that the last Richter City bout of the year is on Saturday at TSB Arena (7pm kick-off) and it's The Big One. Literally. The series is tied 1-1 between Smash Malice and Brutal Pageant. And none of these skaters like to lose. It's going to be intense.

And once again I have a double pass to give away. Just hit the "reply" button below and send me an email. I'll draw it tomorrow afternoon.

I don't like to complain about referees. If they blow a big call that's right in front of them or are just inconsistent to the point of randomness then I'll be a little bit grumblier. Generally I'm willing to forgive their sins. But the match in Tokyo on Saturday night had a bizarre moment that robbed the All Black defence of their bragging rights.

Referee Mark Lawrence went to the TMO to ask if the ball had been grounded over the line. The TMO (a "Japanese gentleman" according the commentary team) came back and told him it was knock-on. Lawrence said that it wasn't a knock on and just wanted to know if the ball was grounded over the line.

As a TMO what can you say? "Um, actually it is a knock on. I can't see if the ball is grounded over the line so why don't you award a scrum to the All Blacks at the 5m line?" The difference between perception and reality blurs a little when the referee claims something didn't happen when replays show that it has.

I understand that the referee had asked a specific question about the grounding but if the TMO said "knock-on" surely that means the answer is "no and they knocked it on". So Lawrence dicked about and made the TMO look again and again and in the end called it a try, which it wasn't, it was a knock on.

So, the Tokyo test: triumph of rugby marketing or side show distraction before the European games? As for the former the build up was as shameful as you can expect from a group of rugby idiots travelling a country with a completely non-western culture.

There were a large number of stories from the media entourage that boiled down to "Japan is so different it's crazy". At times it was just shy of casual racism. And the stories lacked basic details. When the All Blacks had a press conference and media session at "Japan's oldest rugby playing university", the name of the university wasn't given, causing me to yell it at the television.

The Wallabies players looked awkward and unprepared, which lead to one of my highlights: watching (I think it was Berrick Barnes) go to press his palms together and bow to a hostess before realising that it might not be the correct thing and then half-bowing and wringing his hands and in the end just standing awkwardly and looking back at his teammates for support.

Did anyone else think that this match would've been better suited to after the European tour and instead of a superfluous Bledisloe match it should've been an ANZAC Barbarians vs Japan?

But what about the rugby spectacle aspect of the game? I thought it was pretty good overall. The first half was pretty much all running rugby from both teams with some superb kicking for territory.

There were a few dropped passes but not the amount I was expecting. The rucks were played really tough with both teams getting turnovers and hitting into them hard.

But the best part was that we won. And Robbie Deans can bitch all he likes about cynical play and what not but he still didn't beat us this year. And of course Canterbury have collapsed since he left… oh….

I think that this weekend we discovered that the depth of Canterbury is pretty amazing. I was really impressed with the Cantabs on Friday night, they looked like a well-oiled machine with a number of weapons on attack and fairly tight defence.

I didn't get to see the Wellington game but Mike went along and did his usual great job of photographing the action. He did say that the running style of the match made it incredibly hard to shoot as he had to keep running up and down the park (avoiding the TV cameras).

The full gallery is here.

Why did I miss the Wellington game? It was Hallowe'en night and I was out having fun. And by having fun I mean killing zombies.

I finally got to enact a plan I had been dreaming up for a few years. I gathered to together some friends with NERF-style guns, we dressed up as Steam Punk zombie hunters and ambushed the Wellington Zombie Walk outside Te Papa.

Here's the video, we're pretty much wiped out at about the 2:10 mark.

Steampunk zombie killer army from Brock on Vimeo.

There was only a handful of us against a horde of over 200, plus we were expecting slow, shambling, "traditional" zombies, not fast, running "nouveau" zombies. But they all played along and afterwards as we drank zombies at Motel we were still buzzing about how much fun it was.

The walk had altered and they came at us from a different angle. You can probably see in the video how excited/nervous/actually slightly scared we were. And when the horde showed up we faced the same issues movie zombie hunters do: zombies that aren't fully dead; what to do with a teammate who has been scratched; and is it ethical to shoot zombie children (yes, in the knees).

Mike has photos of the attack too (full gallery).

I've written before about things that scare me. So it may surprise you to know that my favourite holiday (in the American sense of the word) is Hallowe'en. I love it so much that I put that ‘ between the Es.

But I still hate zombies. I'm much more of a fan of classic horror. From the weird tentacle-filled works of Lovecraft and the bizarre murders in Poe to the campy fake blood filled movies of the ‘60s (I watched a few of the latter via YouTube's fantastic movie channel).

Zombies sit nicely with the consumerist metaphor and as such have been very popular in this modern world of ours. And the costume is fairly easy: wear something, rip it a bit, cover in blood/gore, add whiteish green makeup to face, groan a lot. But zombie fatigue has set in.

The only zombies I really enjoy any more are the drinks (and then only in moderation because… well… let's leave that story alone).

And it's not just me; Sci-Fi blog io9 has called zombies one of the most over-used tropes. We've had them caused by viruses, meteors, experiments and good old "no reason at all". They've been on boats, planes, even on a Star Destroyer. Marvel and DC comics have turned their heroes into flesh-eating villains and the regency period saw zombies in Pride & Prejudice & Zombies. Yep zombies have been (ahem) done to death.

Which is why I'm a little surprised that the Wellington Zombie walk seems to have a lot of people going along (even if you don't go to the dance the walk should be fun). Still that's zombies for you; they're all about community. A pack of vampires? You could maybe do that with werewolves but October is a bit cold to be going around shirtless (if Twilight is to be believed).

And so that's it: zombies are popular at moment because they are the undead embodiment of social media.

-------

I know there's a lot of Halloween-based stuff going on in Wellington but in Auckland I strongly recommend The Monsters' Brawl.

It's wrestling, roller derby and monsters. What more could you want?

I haven't written much about the Pirate City derby girls, mainly because I don't live in Auckland, so I spoke with Scheisse Minelle of Dead Wreckoning yesterday (that's her with Phloss-A-Raptor.

The Pirate City League has only three bouts this year (one so far where Wreckoning blew Mascara Massacre off the track) with two more to come. Instead they've had a lot more exhibition bouts that are drumming up both support and money for the league. (Monsters' Brawl is another of these and the teams have been split into Hell's Belles and the Deadutants.)

Scheisse loves it for the unpredictability. The teams are mixed up for the exhibitions so the skaters have to learn to play with people who are normally opponents but are also using knowledge of their friends against them. But does exhibition mean soft hits and no competition? Like heck it does!

The thing that drives these skaters more than anything is winning, they don't care how it happens or who it's against but they want to win. There's no second in roller derby, if you lose you carry the stigma until the next chance for you to beat the other team. So expect big hits and angry roller girls.

I'm going to report more on the Pirate City Rollers the closer we get to their next bout. Until then please enjoy this video of the girls doing Thriller on Rollerskates (something I believe they may break out live on Saturday)

We are in that time of year when the months take on new personas. Currently we are "moshing" our way through Rocktober and soon (very soon in fact) we will be entering Movember.

Movember being that time when gentlemen wager each other on their ability to grow and maintain facial hair. This is in many ways safer than duelling and more socially acceptable than penis measuring. However, in practice, the month becomes less of a show of manliness and more of an awful symbol of the kind of gentleman who drives a Subaru and complains that he can't buy Tui in jugs.

Rather than choose the style of moustache to suit their face shape, like you would do for a hair cut, many just opt for the style known commonly (though incorrectly) as the handlebar. The "handlebar" as most people know it – grown across the top lip and then down the sides of the mouth to the chin with out connecting at the bottom – is actually known as the horseshoe, which makes much more sense.

However, not every man suits a horseshoe. In the same manner not everyone could wear their hair in a Mohican-style due to the shape of their heads. I have at least one friend whose moustache looked significantly better once he removed the vertical portion and wore a "painter's brush" instead. On the other hand, Mike Roseingrave, whose photographs often grace this column, has a horseshoe moustache but suits it very well.

I have a fear that men's grooming has fallen by the wayside with the invention of seven-bladed vibrating mega-razors and the decline in fashion of the moustache. In my current demographic group I may be one of only a small handful that have chosen to wear a moustache without a shred of irony.

John Key recently said that while he supported the charitable side of Movember that he couldn't grow one because he wasn't able to in his current job. This wilfully ignores our heritage from William Fox through George Grey to Richard Seddon. In fact Key has the opportunity to be our first moustachioed PM since William Massey. But sadly I don't believe it will happen.

Moustaches are now seen as humorous additions to the face. But serious wearers still exist.

After much experimentation I have discovered that a chevron-style with a small amount of stubble is the best option for me. Well actually my face is most suited to a horseshoe that attaches to the sideburns via the jaw line, but that makes me look like the sort of gentleman who has a wardrobe full of Megadeth t-shirts.

And it's not just the admiration of your peers that you will receive for wearing a good moustache for your face. The ladies, and certain gentlemen, find a well-groomed moustache irresistible. In fact a well-groomed man from top to toe is hard not to find attractive, by those on the look out.

And now the movement for well-dressed and groomed men is gathering momentum:

It just doesn't seem fair. Women put so much more effort into their appearance. When we go out we blow dry our hair, we put on makeup, we wear pretty clothes and to top that off there's heels. And men put on a David Bowie tee shirt and jeans and, to quote Cher Horowitz, "We're supposed to swoon?"

Even the Suicide Girls want you to dress better (some NSFW ads and stuff).

Flair means making a statement with your clothes. This is often difficult with a suit, as it is designed in a single color scheme. You will need a splash of color to set it off. A pocket square, a tie, a vest, and your socks are the regions that can be utilized. Do this with some class. Donald Duck should never be on a tie…

Polo shirts have a place in this world. Popped collars do not.

I love that quote. I was recently walking with Amy with the collar of my jacket raised to protect my neck from the wind and remarked how the, so-called, "pop-collar douchebags" make such a situation slightly embarrassing; when I noticed that a group of them were walking only a metre or so in front of us. Still they needed to know.

The most urbane and well-dressed man I know, Tom Beard, has organised a number of Chaps' Nights (think Lads' Night but with martinis and cravats) in Wellington. And recently I discovered there is a parallel phenomenon in Auckland (though without the gender specifics). These nights are amazing when you realise that people out on a Saturday night will gawp at you in amazement, simply because you are dressed nicely and are wearing a hat. Ok and maybe a walking stick, a great coat, a waistcoat, and other accoutrements.

But please, if you are taking up a challenge next month, don't just grow a "funny" moustache for a "bit of a laugh" that you and "the wife" will want you to remove on the first of December. Grow something that will actually look good on you, that you might want to keep beyond the 30th and ignore all of the comments from those with a stock standard horseshoe that doesn't suit them. Shaving isn't what makes a man, its how he does it.

Gigantic boatloads of congratulations need to go to the Southland Rugby team for not only beating Canterbury but also ending that 50 year drought.

And of course that means Southland get to put the Shield away for the rest of the year and only bring it out to thump Heartland Division teams until the new and improved Air New Zealand Cup next year.

And let's talk about that a bit shall we? Around the country the smaller unions that have sniffed out that they might get dropped to the new First Division next year have started kicking up a stink.

"If it ain't broke don't fix it!" they yell at the NZRU. But of course that's the problem, it was broke. They said it. All of the unions agreed that it was broken and agreed to the change. We all said it.

The salary cap was a good idea, the fourteen teams were too ambitious, the conferences were stupid (and dropped quickly). So we're back to a system of promotion and relegation, but with some of those good ideas kept on, and a bunch of grumpy teams who have forgotten they agreed that a bunch of them would be dropped.

In my opinion what made the competition so good this year could be seen last night: the All Blacks not being removed. Look at the performance of Wellington, Auckland, Waikato and Canterbury when their top players were taken away (or not played). Suddenly league-wide parity was achieved. Some teams were able to build on this (Southland) others fell back after a while (Bay of Plenty).

And if I'm posturing, has anyone noticed that the "close-loss" bonus point may have kept teams in the hunt for the play-offs who shouldn't have been there?

One of the things the unions on the chopping block complain about is that nobody knows how popular the new First Division will be. And they're right, because if you did know then I imagine a lot of companies would like to hire you for your prediction abilities.

I do wonder why Māori Television didn't bid for the broadcast rights. What was it $3M for a one-off event? Why not that for a few seasons of First Division rugby?

------

So who has plans for the long weekend? I plan on spending Monday on the couch revelling in the fact that I will be able to watch the Sunday Night NFL game between the Cardinals and the Giants. Should be good.

The time difference is the worst thing about following an overseas sports league. I imagine those 3am viewers of the Champions' League et al would agree.