Hard News by Russell Brown

01001101 01101111 01110010 01101110 01101001 01101110 01100111 (morning) said Ham to Fiona Farfisa cheerily, on the bright & sunny day that the Trons were booked to play the Wine Cellar in Auckland. 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01101111 01100110 01100110 (F**k off) grunted Swamp. Wiggolowski snorted & thought 01101010 01100101 01100101 01111010 00100000 01100100 01110010 01110101 01101101 01101101 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01110011 01100101 01101000 01101111 01101100 01100101 01110011 (jeez drummers are arseholes.)

It is a little known fact that in their spare time The Trons are raging petrolheads and all four of them drive a Humber each. This year they entered the Targa rally and kicked arse all over the show. Ham, whose Humber is the best of the four, was the main driver, Swamp was the co-driver and map reader, Fiona is their ace mechanic and can pull any engine apart and re-assemble it in under quarter of an hour, while Wiggolowski is a super-duper repairs technician. Their car racing skill is unassailable: Ham literally puts his metal pedal to the metal pedal, Swamp uses his super-sensitive in-built radar to calculate to the metre how fast to go and when to turn, Fiona can use both her arms and legs to fix a car and Wigglolowski can spruce up both a front and back fender on a Humber even quicker than a roadie can spruce up a Fender guitar. After day's racing they enjoying gobbling up corn fritters and knocking back their mate Phil's home-brew.

All the lonely robots, where do they all come from? / All the lonely robots, where do they all belong?

"This extraordinary Trons meeting is officially commenced", Vox calmly screeched. "Item number one: Wiggolowski Motor-Finger, you've been sounding like Trash rather than Slash of late. What's this I hear about your penchant for the sins of the flesh and the resulting poor motor-finger-style guitar form?"
"It's true," Wiggolowski Motor-Finger mumbled sadly, 'I've let logic fly out the window for some reason."
"You're UNreasonable" Swamp hit out, rolling the 'r' of you're and emphasising the 'un' of unreasonable like a flam. "You've been focussed purely on the G-string," he added with impeccable timing.
Ahhh... the sins of the flesh, in this case a rubber fetish, had indeed proved all too tempting for Wiggolowski Motor-Finger.
The '5th' Tron – a rubber and steel artist, Yokohama No. 1.0 – had come between the once tight unit at an entirely awkward moment in the band's career path. The fact that allowing his bionic eye to wander had caused Fiona Farisa's cold, steel heart significant arrhythmic distress was neither here nor there to this guitar hero. Wiggolowski Motor-Finger held no regard for their history; how they'd once shared a real connection; how they'd made sweet electricity that night. No longer could the frosty, silvery press of Fiona Farfisa's stannic lady fingers work their dynamic stimulation on the usually responsive guitarist. Instead, her attempts to rekindle the all-for-ones-and-zeroes and and ones-and-zeroes-for-all ethos of the band had triggered an existential episode in the metal maestro. His ennui, usually beautifully explored and expressed through lithium-in-water-like fretwork, had spiralled into a mechanical and leaden dirge, reminiscent of a drunk Dandy Warhol at a Big Day Out.
"Hell is other robots", Swamp 'cussed.
"Enough of this personality based bickering," the gentle Vox of reason paradoxically ululated. "We're about to tour. Now, which of you neanderthal androids are willing to put it behind us and enter this brave new world like the finely tuned musical machines we are? This is where the rubber meets the road!" Wiggolowski Motor-Finger began to overheat. Rubber? Road? Skidmarks? He was melting into a dark place. "I can't do it, I just can't" he cried like a big baby. "I shutdown!" And with that he quit.
It would appear that even robot beatles have their Yokohama No. 1.0.

I asked about their lyrics from their no1 hit "Robot Rendering at PKD" Craftily this doubled as a geurilla advertisement according to Wiggolowski Motor-Finger. Fiona Farfisa claimed that although the decision was tough, Ham was the obvious choice. His dexterity was the real circuit breaker she E-Quipped.

"Most of my robots are armed and amourous.
My next one should
Stand next to a half full trolley
in a supermarket car park
suspiciously studying a docket.
It should
Enjoy the particular orange light
after a storm
before sunset.
It should
Display a studied nonchalance
when caught
picking its nose
at traffic lights.
It should
Eat the last piece of cake
with Clint Eastwood cool.
It should
Enjoy standing
in steaming cow dung
after running barefoot
through frosty fields.
It should
Find discreet perches
to watch cats,
and its head should swivel swiftly,
surprising cats, eying them over their shoulders.
It should
Find lost remotes
and toss them gleefully in the air
before pretending they are cellphones
and scuttling away
mid conversation.

My next robot should be perfect."

I'm totally wired, ohm, ohm on the range...
Ham was a professional, broadcasting his current status, no time for ammeters here, the smoking power cords put up little resistance, as well. "It's just a phase he's going through" thought Swamp, his arms pistoning conductively - "an electric man outstanding in his field". "Yes, but his constant volte-face can polarise fans" chimed in Fiona Farfisa. "Wi fi fi, dearest transistor, I believe you are switching the subject" intoned Wiggolowski Motor-Finger, adding "Now get out in the kitchen and fry me some chips!". "Such impedance, and he makes me solenoid, too!" fumed the keyed up circuits performer.

... intoned Wiggolowski Motor-Finger, adding “Now get out in the kitchen and fry me some chips!”.

Bad Motor-Finger!

Bad Motor-Finger!

Maybe I shoulda titled it
- Once Were Wirers...

“Stuff u all! I quit!!!!!” Ham deleted his H-Town account. He was tired of the smallness of the city’s music scene. It was the same dudes popping up in the same bands. They used to joke about it being incestuous, but now it actually seemed to be getting inbred. There was a desperate need for new blood, but where from? Ham cast his cycloptic eye on his Mecano kit. Suddenly he knew what he had to do.

I always suspected Skynet would arise in Hamilton. It just makes sense.

Best band for quite some time. They’re gonna be huge. All music grant money should be invested in The Trons…..All of it! There’s more export potential here than everything else NZOA has ever touched. Put it all into marketing. Make this happen. Letterman, GIg in orbit, The Movie - The Trons Vs FOTC..

Kraftwerk vs The Trons, live on stage. How epic would that be?

It'd be awesome! These guys could be so major.