Cracker: Flashback
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ffs guys! i've been out at the site all day and all i could find was some guy in an armani suit insisting he wasn't rich, singing some Split Endz song and handing out muesli bars to the two people in the neighbourhood wearing trackpants.
and my ears are ringing from the pong out there. -
They were scared off, the little woosie pants, by some of my people's people circling.
People are so weak. You can't make a film without pain. And carrion.
I like that. We'll call the next film CARRION.
As in carrion up the river of yr own wazzooo.
Craak. -
Well day one did not go so well.1)How were we to know that John Key would want to walk around the site and 2) who gave the dwarves mescaline? Many of them are unaccounted for still.
Milos people are just a nuisance, strutting around and defecating in odd places. However one must be careful not to trip over when they are on set.
I think that Riddley may have been at the wrong location, especially if he saw Key who we deliberately sent to Waimaukau B, we were doing preparatory work in Riverhead forest (torch beams look really cool at night in a forest). We will need more purple potatos and some mackerels.Today is the crucial flooding river scene so I must talk to the Auckland regional authority about damming the Turakina river . -
merc,
I talked with John on set B.
M: The Cherman's have pulled out.
JK; Yeah I know, I can't help you there, Cherman's you know...
M; Of course, I understand, what brings you to this neck of the woods?
JK: Oh I have a house here and people, I have people here apparently, but I'm lonely Merc, it hasn't worked out as I'd hoped.
M; It's OK, take it from me, it never works out as you hope, best to abandon hope, out here, out West, this is the final frontier.
JK; To be honest...
M; Don't...
JK; No, I insist, it's about the oil.
M; Oh, the Taranaki delayed discovery?
JK; Yeah, years ago Hone took them out, I reckon we could too.
M; Jesus John you can't be serious.
JK; I met this vulture, Milo, he's keen to ah, democratise the West Coast, all we need is an imperative, a moral one.
M; I've retired JK, not one soul, I promised my Dad.
JK; It's OK I'm ah in an indeterminate state Jewish.
M; Shut up John, and don't be seen playing round with Milo, he knows Wayne PI..
JK; Jehovah.
M; I gotta go John, plus you're creeping me out.
JK; OH OK, bugger, here come my people, Christ they're like fundies, and that DPF always with the advice, sometimes I wish I was back trading you know.
M; Shut up John. -
most revealing m, will incorporate in my report to stakeholders.
Eusa, well someone could have told me we weren't filing at Waimauku B today. it was creepy. i did see a couple of gnomes but i couldn't get any sense out of them, they kept talking to the trees and not much else. i thought it was just a gnome thing.
Saw Milo too. Somewhat disturbing.
Also saw a very good big old ferry on the east side of the NW motorway heading out to the site. thought i might contract a few locals to drag it along Lincoln Rd out to the coast so we can incorporate it in the film. could be a bit of an epic endeavour but i reckon it'll be worth it for the dramatic and cinematographic aspects.
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merc,
Hell yeah, the boat is in! Send a crew, John said he will pay as long as we establish an Opera continually playing Twighlight Of The Gods, with the Grateful Dead. And at this juncture I'm going to have to introduce a silent partner who knows about these things, Marvin Pastetaster, or Werner depending on your viewpoint. More soon.
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excellent. i hear Herr Pastetaster is a talent.
JK was humming a lot of Wagner out at Waimauku B - we may need a Fastboat for the waterskiing. -
Hmm, a boat over a mountain, drug crazed dwarfs, this is sounding good.
Sorry you went to the wrong place R, the shooting schedule is kind of haphazard since it seems to have been written in a cave, translated from German into English and then severely pecked.
Are the Germans still in? If not, some of the Dwarfs intimated that they had some Swiss Gnome relatives who might be interested.
Or maybe thats hallucinogenic chemicals talking. There have been reports of Smurfs being seen on the set which is a worrying development as they are the drug pushers of the mythological community. -
merc,
The Cherman's are in as long as we replace the Gestetner with Götterdämmerung. I have waterskiid up a river close by, we're going to use JFK's PT boat for this one. I'm contacting Keef, a personal friend, re Satisfaction.
There's no way anyone is going to work with the reprobate Smurf's, that Papa Smurf, eeyewww. Monty Fay has chipped in with his Swiss Bankers, John says that's OK, maybe we can start a bidding war. Frankly, I think we should toss the Dwarfs, what do you say? -
yeah those dwarfs are just grumpy and they say rude things to me about my apprearance. and m is right, smurfs are nothing but trouble (had a bit of a run in with them few years back), steer well clear people.
can i suggest we rename PT109 to something more in keeping with the film and more pleasing to the financiers? perhaps Das Kleine Tirpitz? -
merc,
Das Boot?
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merc,
Also I mean't toss the Dwarf's in the film, you know, Peter Jackson did in LOTR (Laff on teh rug) and he got 250 million in funding and no-one cried wolf, to mix my metaphor.
Oh and John want some of "his school children" in the movie, said they work for muesli bars or something, he's getting a little demanding, how about he is the Captain of Das Boot and cops the spear, a taiaha or something like that. -
oh alright. but to echo the interwebby origins, how about Das Linken Boot
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IW: Clearly you suggesting there is a cover-up involving children, muesli, Albert Speer, JK and the cops - name your sauces and let the righteous Lord smote your demonic netherness!
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merc,
We need a Witchsmeller Pursuivant
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Or maybe a Bishopsmeller Pursuivant?
All right we can put JK in as the captain and CGI him out later. See this is where the moviebusiness is so unlike real life. -
merc,
Hamish, the black American Captain of the boat that takes Capt. Willard up the river in Apocalypse Now gets a spear through his chest, thrown by Vietnamese natives, he dies basically saying ironically..."heh, a spear".
Keep up man, you're on a fine line, and the sword doth hang above yo head. Homework, you must see,
Apocalypse Now Redux - Francis Ford Copola
Hearts of Darkness - The making of Apocalypse Now - Francis Ford Copola
Dead Man - Jim Jarmusch
Fitscaraldo - Werner Hertzog
My Best Fiend - Werner Hertzog
PT 109 - ?
Das Boot - ?
Big Wednesday - John Milius (just for the hell of it)
All in one weekend in one go or you're fired! -
put JK in as the captain and CGI him out later
Eusa, are you privvy to secret National strategy documents?
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If we have to work Satisfaction into an opera, it'll have to be Faust. JK could do the title role- but check him on the smarmometer.
Can he sing tenor? There are ways, I believe, of modifying the voice- talk to his people, I'll sharpen the knives.
We need the chermans in or out: their waffling is getting expensive. Also, I have sacked the gnomes- but ran out of sacks, so some are in rubbish-bags. -
merc,
They better be Rodney bags or they won't collect them. Faust is good Don's gone so can't be Don Giovanni. But I saw JK as maybe Siegfried. See the Nats commission the Giants to build their golden house, then reneg on teh contract. Old one eye (to be) gives over his daughter as payment...
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no problem, have collected the bags myself. no more snyde remarks from those guys ;)
also, i accidentally flattened Milo when i was backing the Bambina off the set. i think he'll be ok though, some of his colleagues were already turning up as i drove off.
i saw the lead as one of those generously endowed nordic opera ladies with the big horns and armoured bassieres atop a boat like this. you can almost smell the mushrooms, and note the uncanny likeness to dwarves.
m, you might like this here for future reference. btw, this guy turned up looking for you m, reckoned he'd heard about some impending copyright issues - did you send the cheque?
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merc,
Excellent work, you have well justified your favoured status. You didn't damage the beautiful Bambina did you? As for Milo unless he can do a Raven, he's screwed, we move on for our art.
Big Horns good, mmm, the boat is well sub par, sorry, but up that area of the Kaipara there are some rabid revisionist Celtic, Vikingy, Bohemies and they go off like fire crackers at the slightest sign of a rock wall. I like Das Linken Boot (by Lincoln off ramp), every day as I pass her I say to myself, one day we will take her up the river and remember my little friend Herqueque, shudder.
We may need the dwarves back though, you didn't crush them did you? And re fecking Odin, Woden, Wotan WHATEVA! I BOW TO NONE! THE GREATER GLORY IS TO VANQUISH YOUR ENEMIES, SEND THEM RUNNING BEFORE YOU AND HEAR THE LAMENTATIONS OF THEIR WOMEN!!!
Sorry, got a bit wrath-like there, it was hard enough to see off that pansy Jebus without bloody Wotan doing a re-run, ahem, better now. -
Right, so I got got The Dwarf Outreach Programme ringing my ass up to ask about the goings on and have I seen a Mr Brongo a Mrs Dreepo and a Mr. Stronginthearm? Well I guess that's going to be a toll call.
Then I got JK's people ringing me up saying could he not get killed because it wouldn't look so good and especially not with a Taiaha? And would it be possible for their boy to have a few songs??
Then I got Rodney Council saying could we come and get the drug-crazed dwarfs from the City dump where Riddley left them as they are causing a public nuisance?
So, yeah, I'll sit down and watch DVD's for 48 hrs to learn about people going up rivers and down rivers to the Heart of Darkness.When I already know that it's in the Hart of the Wud.
Scuse me Milo's here and keeps keeps talking about Riddleys' Liver.
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oh Eusa, it's all for art amigo. we soldier on.
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merc,
R. he's going soft on us, should I send round The Snake?
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