Field Theory by Hadyn Green

38

All Misty-Eyed

I think it is now clear, if you want to beat the Hurricanes just don't let them see what they are doing. My glorious Chiefs have completed part one of their plan to glory by defeating the Hurricanes 14-10 in Hamilton.

Sadly I missed the game and only caught part of the replay. On Friday night I took my Mum to see Danny Bhoy at the Opera House. In the taxi on the way home the driver had talk-back on and we heard some drunken fool dribble his way through some excuses about the Hurricanes and why he supported the Chiefs.

We both sat carefully listening to him blather on because at that stage all we knew was that the game had been tied 7-7 at halftime. When the host finally let on that the Chiefs had won there may have been some whooping in the taxi. My mum is also a rugby fan. In fact on Thursday when I picked her up from the airport and mentioned that we would be going to the comedy on Friday she was disappointed that it was during the game.

So what now for the Hurricanes? While the Chiefs are having their most successful season ever (didn't Lauaki look good?), the Hurricanes are at the end of another "almost" season. I know what to expect from Wellington supporters: a lot of whinging (about the weather mainly I suspect). The Crusaders on the other hand were lucky to even be in the finals.

And now we look to South Africa. The Bulls were the best team in the competition this season and look to be favourites from every angle. But as I have said before, at this point in the competition there is no such thing as an upset.

Sure the Bulls have stifling defence, great break out players and a fairly fucking awesome kicking game but… actually I don't have anything there. The game is going to be at like 1am so it'll be perfect for Waikato Cow-Cockies but I'm unsure how us urban-sophisticate Chiefs' supporters will fare. Might just have to stay out drinking.

Quick Update:
Just saw on Twitter before posting this: "Wondering whether it's unpatriotic to hope the Chiefs get a complete towelling next weekend."

The answer is: no it's not. It's just weird. I can understand wanting the Crusaders to lose but not the Chiefs. They are the puppy dogs of the Super 14, you can't kick them.

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Perhaps the worst thing to come out of the weekend was the injuries. Andy Ellis being injured isn't a big blow but Sivivatu being out will be annoying down the road.

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Scott Dixon didn't win the Indy 500 (he came sixth after leading for a long time). But I am still a fan of Danica Patrick who came third. I can't wait for the day that she really loses it and decks someone. Or the day when someone gives her a F1 car and she gets to kick Jenson Button in the nuts (c'mon Ferrari you know that'd be awesome!).

28

The Super 135

Under a new decision by SANZAR, Super rugby just got bigger, longer and harder; in other words, better.

The new 135 team/ 12 conference system will run for 14 months and will have a 130 team play-off system with each of the three member nations guaranteed at least one play-off game. There will also be more "local derbies" as teams will be required to play others from their country at least twice a week.

"We hope that this new system will revitalise rugby in the Southern Hemisphere and attract fans and cash-laden sponsors back to the game," said Steve Tew of the NZRU. "We realise that the burden of having to find roughly 1,200 New Zealand players of Super rugby quality might be tough, but quite frankly the Masterton Seniors second XV could still beat the Queensland Reds."

New Zealand's 40 new franchises are listed here.

John O'Neill of the ARU explained some of the other changes: "We're changing the rules so they have to kick the ball every three minutes and forward passes are legal! And at least one game per season is going to be played on top of Uluru! WOOP WOOP!! I'm batshit fucking crazy!"

The new changes will come into effect in the 2010-11 season and be reviewed for change again in the 2012-13 season because SANZAR has said it doesn't want a competition to run for more than two years before trying to fix something that isn't broken.

49

Beatniks

Four Kings in Wellington is a great place to watch sport. It has everything you need: a very large number of TVs and beer. After that it falls into the same traps that befall other sports bars: a very large number of munters and bad beer.

The company I was with were jovial and fun; the group next to us were fuckwits of the highest order. Although you know what's funny? Watching drunken idiots making very loud homophobic comments and then banging the top of their friend's beer bottle with the bottom of theirs, causing the friend's beer to froth out uncontrollably, without noticing the subtext.

But we were there to watch the rugby and drink beer and luckily the munters (football players if you were interested) left/were thrown out.

I was still quite happy at the Chiefs victory over the Brumbies, but found myself in the odd situation of supporting the Crusaders (a Crusaders victory over the Blues would knock the Waratahs out of the finals).

And what a tense wee match that was. It wasn't exciting with flashy tries and fantastic backline moves (that would be the Hurricanes-Reds game) but the score was close and only a poxy dropgoal by Leon MacDonald sealed the win for the Crusaders.

But really from that position on the field, how do you defend the dropgoal? Assuming the kicker is halfway decent it's going to go over and you need two runners with enough speed to cover the distance from the back of the ruck to the kicker in roughly the same amount of time as the pass.

Sadly cheering for the Crusaders and having the Crusaders actually win wasn't as satisfying as I thought. Neither was watching the Hurricanes coast through a predictable win over the Reds.

Note: this para is about uniforms. The Queensland Reds uniform may be the worst in the Super 14. On TV it looks pink, not red. It has three different Queensland Rugby logos on it, including the retro 80s neon version (in the centre of the chest) and the angry koala – it'll cuddlesnuggle you to death. They also do names-on-back which is usually kind of cool but it just looks too "busy" on the Reds' jersey. And finally Quade Cooper had number troubles as the 1 on his back began peeling off.

So we head into the play-offs with a fairly good chance of a New Zealand team making the final. And the entire viewing market of Australia not giving a shit for… well ok they may not have cared from the start but now we can't get any of them watching.

No loss from now on is an upset. I refuse to listen to talk of "underdogs" or of respect being paid. These are the four best teams in the Super 14 and the two best and most exciting teams (in my most humble opinion) will be meeting for the second time in two weeks.

I've got the Bulls v the Chiefs in the finals with a triumphant but bloodied Chiefs' squad arising victorious after a hard fought battle in South Africa. You may see things differently.

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Explanation for Michael Phelps' post-Olympics bad-boy-ness: clearly he has been replaced by Evil Michael Phelps from the mirror universe. The goatee is a dead giveaway.

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A bit more on the "liking sports is not a character flaw" argument: Jack Kerouac had a fantasy baseball league and kept it meticulously updated, but hid it from his other writing friends.

"I don't think the others knew. Or if they did, they didn't learn it from Kerouac. I think he was worried they might think it childish."

Jack Kerouac thought he would be ridiculed for liking sport. You beatniks sicken me with your prejudice.

49

Quickly on a busy morning

­­

Ok it’s been a really stupidly busy week for me so here are my thoughts on recent sporting events:

Rugby League:

  •  Inevitable loss to the Aussies, let's move on.

Chiefs v Hurricanes:

  • The best team won. Ah don't get all shirty. The Chiefs won, there was no reffing controversy, there were no citations, there was no tiny crowd.
  • This was the best Super 14 game this season between the two best New Zealand teams. Both teams playing at their peak ability and running and connecting with the fluidity that comes with the later rounds of the competition.
  • I would not be shocked to see both of these teams in the final, but given their respective histories I also wouldn't shocked to neither of them.

NBA Finals:

  • The Celtics may be the only team from Boston that I don't hate. And Big Baby pushing that kid in Orlando was actually pretty funny.
  • I like the Rockets. I like that Ron Artest pissed off Kobe Bryant. I like that the Rockets gave the Lakers a massive beat down without Yao Ming or Tracey McGrady. In short: Go Rockets!
  • LeBron looks like he wants to win really badly this year.

NHL Finals:

  • ... um ... I ... well ... hey, at least it's actually on this year.

The Future of Super Rugby:

  • Super 15? Super 16? Super 134?
  • Really, who knows what we're going to get. The chances of it being bad are much higher than the chances of us getting something that we'll love.
  • The talk of conferences is interesting but would New Zealand ever consider dropping a team? We are a small market, especially compared with Japan, Australia and South Africa, so why do we get five teams? "We have the best players" might not cut it in the professional world.
  • A three conference set-up looks like an option (five teams per conference). I'd prefer four four-team conferences (geographically allocated).
  • Feel free to add your grand ideas.

Cricket:

  • So there is a wee tournament going on in South Africa at the moment (when did the Rainbow Nation become the place for large sports events?).
  • OMG! Jesse Ryder had a drink! That's almost news!

League Players:

  • Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with rugby league players?
  • This case is so similar to the English Rugby team's case last year and I imagine the defensive discussion about it will be the same: why was she there? Why didn't she leave? etc.
  • I've not really thought about this one too much. But really in my mind the NRL has a good competition that they are fucking up by not coming down hard (REALLY FUCKING HARD) on the clubs and players when shit like this happens.

The All Whites:

  • Going to South Africa (why not, everyone else is) to play football but wearing black. You don't care about uniforms but really I can't believe how stupid this is.
  • First the name will have to be changed... I suppose we could be just "New Zealand"... crazy.
  • A lot of football teams play in white, but that's because it look cool! We shouldn't change our strip because once in every 100 years we might play England.
  • I always saw the All Whites being the opposite of the All Blacks. They were the less popular sport, they were the team that wasn't the best in the world etc.­ By also dressing black (and receiving a stupid nickname) they become less special.
  • Fuck Eric Young and his stupid fucking colu­mn in the SST (that I read while grabbing lunch for my 48 Hours team). "New Zealand always plays in black", yeah! Well, except for the years we played in navy and gold.

Super 14 final four

  • So who ya got?­
5

172800 very important seconds

The atmosphere at the start line was … well it wasn't electric. But there was a modicum of tension and a good edge of excitement. I had never been to the start of a 48 Hour film competition; usually I'm at the base of operations waiting for the genre so I can start brainstorming.

At the finish line there is the drama of teams racing to get through the door before 7.00pm, but mainly exhaustion and maybe a little relief. It's not usually until you get to the screenings that everyone's keyed up and in a "whooping" frame of mind.

So we sat there, having selected our numbers, to wait for the genres, the character, the line of dialogue and the prop. I turned to my friend Adam (in a different team but with the same genre) and said "we've only got one actor; I hope it's ok to have a line of monologue". It's a script joke.

To bring you up speed if you don't know about the 48 Hours basics: all the films needed to have:

  • a character called Alex Puddle, an exaggerator
  • The line: "it doesn't fit"
  • And a rock

And every team gets given a random genre.

The genres were the usual grab-bag plus some interesting newbies (Nature Run Amok and Real Time sounded interesting). We got Educational… again. It was the second time for three of us and the third time for my teammate Mike. We are officially sick of it.

My team were, like the roughly 700 teams around the country, secure in their writing-bunkers, waiting. And as 7pm Friday rolled around everyone dashed for the door with their crates of V. I thought that it was quite a strange move considering that this was 2009 and that making a phone call was surely faster than transmitting the information via horseless carriage.

Then we made a movie.

Every year since 2005 I have written a blog on the 48 Hours "experience" and it's usually written on the Monday directly after and it's usually filled with moans and grumbles and jokes about drinking coffee and reflections on how really quite hilarious we all were. This year I considered that I should see what others thought.

Firstly, this year there didn't seem to be any live blogs, it was all Twitter, Baby!

You will not see many 48 Hours "war stories" on the Twitter feeds. I imagine that this is because when you're trying to put out a fire caused by a can of V accidentally tipped on a light kit, while attempting to reinstall Final Cut on your laptop in a car hurtling towards the start-finish line at 6.45pm; you might not have much time to Twitter it.

So I devised a set of questions and asked a few friends about their experiences.

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Darryl Gray, Jed Soane and Mike Roseingrave were my teammates and in the tradition of lazy journalism I asked them. Jose Barbosa is a DJ at bFM and entered in Auckland. Mark Rickerby was another Wellington entrant who I have met over the internets (and at Webstock).

Jed explained our team's situation:

As a small team we all tend to share the responsibility for a lot of roles but I tend to specialise in crazy idea generation, sound recording and foley, and logging and capturing the raw footage to Final Cut. This year I also got to "score" our movie which involved cranking out a couple of simple, moody musical pieces in Garageband.

I've participated four years in total, first in 2004 with Mike and some friends, then we went "pro" in 2005 with a big team, which included the 4-man core that we used this year. That put me off big teams and 48 Hours for a couple of years until Darryl suggested that we put together a small renegade team last year.

The year that put Jed off we made a musical about bestiality where a blind man's wife has an affair with his guide dog. It was high art.

Mike has been involved for the last six years, ever since the competition came to Wellington. And like many entrants his day job is nothing like what he does on one weekend every year. Though Mike did sneak off on Saturday for a game of golf.

Darryl, Mark, and José however were in comfortable roles, wrangling creative people, QAing and, in José's case, reading the news.

So how did they feel getting their genre?
Mark:

My first thought was literally WTF? I had a mind blank on what an M. Night Shyamalan Twist was [one of the new genres], and had to get Robyn to explain it to me - I had only seen 6th Sense, so didn't realize that Shyamalan had based a whole career on this device.

Our writers - clearly much more culturally savvy than I - had a much better idea of his other films, but it was an excruciating process to come up with a twist that was not obvious. I actually think this was because our writers were really good, and they naturally wanted to force themselves to come up with the perfect original plot twist, rather than just clone an existing story. If our genre was Mighty Boosh Episode, we would have blown it off its hinges.

Darryl:

"Fuck it."

I was hoping for a genre that we could legitimately make a narrative film from. I wanted to be faithful to the intention of the organisers, so didn't want to subvert ‘educational' too much, since I think they intended ‘how-to films' and the like. Any genre that wasn't geared towards schlock, gags, or ridiculousness would have been good – ideally, something like ‘parallel universe', ‘conspiracy', or ‘real time film'.

Mike continued that thought:

To me, [educational film] pushes you towards either a straight "how-to" (potentially boring for a large portion of your audience) or a straight-out gag-fest. Although the 48Hours competition seems very much weighted towards gag films (see the ridiculous compulsory character names and the innuendo-laden compulsory lines: Alex Puddle and "it doesn't fit" respectively this year), that's not the way I (and the rest of my team) am built.

Jose was a little more upbeat:

We got real time. To be honest I just glad we didn't get romance, any thing but that I was telling myself. Not to knock my gender or anything but dudes are like geese at a basketball game when it comes to writing romance: we're noisy, have no comprehension of the rules and shit all over the place

For our team when it came to actually constructing the film we decided on some extra constraints. You know, just for self-flagellation.

We decided that we'd try to do it in one take (or close to it), in one location and with (possibly) one actor. We had thought maybe no dialogue too but that's really restrictive in an educational film.

Our biggest restriction was a sign that said "NO GAGS". Every "wouldn't it be funny if…" was directed straight to the sign.

But what did the others think about Style vs Substance and Humour vs Drama?
Mark:

We really want to do a dark and sophisticated film, but we always end up making something that keeps us cracking up laughing all the way from Friday to Sunday. We can't help it.

Jose and Jed were at loggerheads

Jose – "Humor trumps all."
Jed – "Substance and drama. The Wellington judges seemed to agree last year with the top three films being dramas"

So with that in mind do they sweat the details? You better believe they do!

Mike demonstrated his answer well with an error:

Details are very important and can make or break a film. The wrong word in the wrong word in a script can completely and unintentionally change the film's meaning.

And the surprisingly laid back Jose said much the same:

The thing I always sweat more than anything is our fealty to the genre. For some reason I usually spend the weekend constantly reminding the team about our genre and get rather picky about things that might cause us to go off course. It's because I'm an anal prick

So given the choice of: good sound; good video; good script; or good actors; which would they give up and which would they not do without?
Mark wouldn't give up the script but (controversially):

I would give up on the Actors first. Meat puppets.

… We realized that the biggest mistake of our weekend was not to give one particular actor a few shots of jagermeister and slap him around before sending him out to do his scene.

But within our own team we would all give up video, for the sake of sound, actors, and scripts.

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Finally, do they feel good now it's over? And is 48 Hours just a stepping stone to other film projects? And, this is the kicker, would they do it again?

Yes. Yes. Yes! (though if we get Education next year we're just heading to the pub)

My thanks to my interviewees. Photo credits: me and Jose