Posts by Marcus Turner
Last ←Newer Page 1 2 3 4 5 Older→ First
-
I’m feeling bad that I’ve pissed people off on this forum. It came as a real surprise to me. I’m not sure who you are, but understand there’s more than one. I’d like to offer an apology. If, in my public comments here, or in private emails about this thread, I’ve said something that hurts/annoys you, I’m sorry.
I think those who share aspects of their private life in a public forum are people of courage, and I like to offer them positive reinforcement when I notice the opportunity to do so. I’ve been very grateful to receive similar support in the past. If in attempting to support you, I’ve appeared to sit in judgement on you, I’m sorry. I don’t judge you; I admire you as someone who's brave enough to walk where I can’t.
I’ve agreed not to provide further unsolicited advice on this thread. But I’d like to retain the option of offering it as an alternative to being simply negative. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s OK to hurt other people with actions or words: it’s often understandable, and can be forgivable, but I don’t think it’s ever OK. If an option is available, there are lots of good reasons to take it. (I speak as one of many who’ve said and done things we’re ashamed of.)
Thus, I can’t get behind the concept of the “Necessary Bastard”. It’s a tactic used by those who can’t find a better way. I’ve considered that this might be because the person is under stress, or has formed a lifetiime habit of certain behaviours, or is simply unaware of the other possibilities available. I suspect that fear plays a part in many such situations: how easy can it be to confront someone who causes you pain?
I believe (and I accept that your mileage may vary) we have the “right” (I can’t think of a better word) to be treated as adults, and to be listened to as adults.
I think there are options to the “Necessary Bastard” technique that will help me to be treated like an adult (whether as the ‘bastarder’ or ‘bastardee’), and I’ve found that training in assertiveness, negotiation and other skills can help with that. I’m aware of other skills and paths, many of which I’ve chosen not to take. I doubt any of it works all the time, but offer all this to you as an alternative to something that, while it can be effective, is also destructive.
-
Up Front: The Missing Stair and the…, in reply to Moz,
You don't deserve judgement by me or anyone else.
(I emphasise my earlier comment about cutting remarks.)
-
Up Front: The Missing Stair and the…, in reply to Moz,
It's hard to say, from your description, exactly where the "Missing Stair" was. Maybe relative x unintentionally said or did something that hurt. "I would prefer not to see him again" is an expression of preference: it wasn't actually directing anyone to do anything.
Cutting remarks do achieve things. The problem is colateral damage: they can lead to undesireable effects for the person who made them, as well as for others.
Learning how to get what you want without colateral damage isn't something we were born with. Some people seem to have a greater natural aptitude for it. But, like gaining a musical ear, it's a skill set that CAN be LEARNED (with very, very few exceptions).
-
Up Front: The Missing Stair and the…, in reply to Danielle,
Was the argument awkward because of what you thought they might think of you? It sounds as though you're old enough to vote and to have opinions of your own, and they don't have to be shared by anyone. I'm sure most of the people you really care about, and see regularly, will accept and respect you and your opinions.
Regarding "Missing Stairs" in the family or anywhere else: it's not what they think that makes them "Missing Stairs", but what they do (including what they say and when). You can let them know how what they say/do makes you feel. That doesn't mean you're telling them they're wrong (even though you might think they are wrong); just that what they're saying is hurtful to you, or makes you angry.
If you told me I made you angry or upset every time I said a certain thing, why would I continue to say/do it?
(This isn't meant to apply specifically to you: it's what seems to me to be a useful set of thoughts and actions for anyone in this position.)
-
You may find some of this useful, in striving to cope with the situation like an adult: http://www.massey.ac.nz/massey/student-life/services-and-resources/health-counselling-services/resources/communication/assertiveness.cfm
It offers alternatives to the categories already mentioned.
-
Something I overheard, in a British homeware store, regarding Le Creuset enamel: one way to destain the enamel inside the pot is by filling it with a solution of Sterident, or an equivalent (the material used to soak dentures overnight). In my limited experience, it works pretty well.
-
Orange peelers. Is this what you were looking for? (I haven't found any in NZ or Australia):
http://www.fishpond.co.nz/Kitchen/2-pc-Orange-or-Citrus-Peeler/0062823809055
http://www.pamperedchef.com/our_products/catalog/product.jsp?productId=18&categoryCode=KW
http://www.plumbersurplus.com/Prod/Ekco-1045651-Orange-Peelers-4-Pack-Orange/203945/Cat/1556
-
Hard News: Tooled Up for Food, in reply to Hebe,
I don't really know how to tell the difference, but I know that the good ones were K Sabatier (as distinct from Sabatier).
I'm pretty sure I got mine here: http://www.sabatier-shop.com/
-
Incidentally, I've forgotten who mentioned it, but keeping ginger in the freezer was an excellent tip. Thank you.
-
A friend gave me a K Sabatier knife. Previously, I had thought I used good knives: this one made all the others seem substandard.
I bought a couple more, choosing the non-stainless-steel option. I've found that I need to take care with washing and drying these: they stain very easily and would rust easily too, I imagine. I can't tell that they're any sharper than the stainless steel knife, though they're reputed to have a better edge.
I've learned that "Sabatier" is a name used by a number of different manufacturers, not all of whom manufacture to the same standard.