Posts by Emma Hart
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Up Front: Casual, Shallow and Meaningless, in reply to Sofie Bribiesca,
So you're good for something then? ;)
Yeah, we refer to that one as "the other thing".
What I do enjoy is conversation that is neither formulaic niceties nor serious discourse, but that for want of a better word I'll call "banter". It's a mixture of puns, flirtation, double entendres, gossip, anecdotes, kvetching, ranting, playful jibes and general silliness, with the occasional seasoning of more serious content. It generally
only applies between good friends and established drinking buddies (yes, drinking helps), but if you meet someone who sparks into your conversation straight away then they'll probably fall into one of those two categories before long.I've been pondering this, and why I'm pretty sure that, while I suck at small talk, I feel I'm pretty good at this. I don't think it's just the alcohol. And it's why I so enjoy PA gatherings, too, because I'll be able to find some of this.
There is a shifting line of appropriateness with Gay Badinage. There is a degree to which you have to know me before it's okay to make that crack about my arse, and it's dependent on just how funny the remark was. And yet it's something I don't see people screw up in person very often.
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Yeah. I have kids. My kids have friends. Some of them are big readers. And some of them aren't. Just like when we were kids. What they do appear to do is write more than we did. I''m just not sure what the point of this argument is.
So. Saturday night we went to a social gathering: a family birthday for my best friend and her parents. I hear the "oh jesus, parental friends", but it was a lot like hanging out with my own mother's friends. But you're still trying to make conversation with people in their seventies quite a bit. I'd probably made a minor faux pax by choosing a dress that showed all my tattoos. Though at least now I'm "the one covered in tattoos" and not "Susan's friend, the loud drunk one".
But as I walked around with my beloved Susan, I got to hear, dozens of times, the Family Friend Small Talk with her. And it was identical. You didn't sing again! (Um, no, she sang once, she sings professionally, this is HER birthday.) You've lost so much weight, you look fabulous! (Um, thanks, what are you implying?) I hear you have a new sports car haha midlife crisis joke, and OMG those shoes! (Actually, the shoes were pretty damn impressive.)
Me? End of the evening I got bailed up by Susan's cousin's wife and spent about half an hour explaining BDSM.
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Legal Beagle: Election Fact Check #3: It…, in reply to Rich of Observationz,
My suggestion is to go a stage further and if the records indicate that someone is eligible to vote, then register them automatically.
And put them on the published roll?
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Up Front: Casual, Shallow and Meaningless, in reply to Hebe,
But if you get the contents claim in by the end of the month they promise to pay out before Christmas! Which is interesting because they've had ours since... May?
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Hard News: Meme Syndicate, in reply to Hebe,
We certainly had it in Timaru in the 80s, and one of the KAOS flats in the early 90s was known as "Munting-Spak Hall".
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Up Front: Casual, Shallow and Meaningless, in reply to Hebe,
Emma Hart: I loved this piece; TMI are my middle initials. Why have a conversation if it's not a real one?
Hebe: you must come out the next time we go for Beers and Talking About Sex.
So if you don't do small talk (I'm assuming we mean that initial "Hi, how are you? etc" that people do when they first meet), what does that first blooming of friendship look to many of you?
Every friend I have made since varsity, I have met on line, even if we live in the same city. Four of what are now the dearest people in my life I "met" on this very website here. Technically, it was Damian Christie who introduced me to David Haywood, and David who introduced me to Russell.
In early November, I am taking one of my old uni friends up to Wellington and introducing him to a bunch of people he's never met. Weaving those two groups of mine together makes me ridiculously happy.
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Up Front: Casual, Shallow and Meaningless, in reply to Hilary Stace,
I have found that if it is at a party or function for someone or for a particular cause to ask "What is your relationship to x?" and that is usually pretty safe, and they have to answer with more than yes or no and that provides something to build on.
What I would really, really love to be able to do is hostess properly. Shush. I mean, introduce people who don't know each other with a little one-sentence snippet about each person that leaves them with something to talk about. I can work out when people I know will hit it off, but I'd like to be able to help.
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I have spent a lot of time at that beach, I got attacked by a dog there as a child, I got stoned in the dunes as a teenager and, well, other things too. I spent eighteen years of my life in that area before moving away for uni, this is my home town
Aw geez, dude. This hadn't really touched me emotionally until that.
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Up Front: Casual, Shallow and Meaningless, in reply to Isabel Hitchings,
The question is can I do it authentically? And a lot of chit chat involves not telling people what I really think in order to keep things 'nice' and that is very, very wearing.
Oh, this.
My favourite people know (because, basically, I've told them specifically) that I will never flatter them, and if I think they're wrong about something that matters, I'll tell them. And I really hope this means that when I say something positive, they can have absolute assurance that I mean it. And that, actually, can be very difficult to deal with, because we're used to being told that we're attractive or talented or smart in a context where we can shrug it off as flattery, as unauthentic.
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Up Front: Casual, Shallow and Meaningless, in reply to JacksonP,
My big secret is that I can’t remember peoples’ names.
That can be awkward.
I do find that most people are okay with, “I’m sorry, I can’t remember your name.” ONCE. Which is once more than they tend to be okay with “I’m sorry, I can’t remember who you are.” So, desperately letting the other person lead the conversation and hoping they drop some hint about where I’m supposed to know them from. I’m starting to wonder now what percentage of conversations are like that.
My hairdresser gives me Tatler and Vanity Fair
Hairdresser: Would you like a magazine?
Me: Jesus fuck no.
Fortunately, my brain filters whittled that down to “No thanks, I’m fine with my phone,” which meant I only had to refuse the magazine (which I very much doubt would have been Vanity Fair) four more times. I did describe the experience as being "like having Women's Day read aloud".