Up Front: Staying Civil
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Yep, that's why I think the next step is to get the government out of the marriage business. Civil unions for all, leave "marriage" to the church.
I support this idea in theory. In practice, I don't see it having a shit's show of actually happening.
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I was going to say that I'm sure the Germans have one, and we should 'borrow-word' it into English.
In Italian we have the lovely word compagno/compagna
But we should use the beautiful Italian one instead.
Yes, Zivil-Gewerkschaft doesn't sound better.
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And it always makes me think of hubcaps for some reason.
I hate "Bubby" even more, to refer to the children. It always makes me think of Hugo Weaving in Bad Boy Bubby.
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I'm of the opposite persuasion - ban civil unions and let anyone who wants to 'formalise' a relationship get married.
I oppose the idea that civil unions are for everyone and to leave 'marriages' to church. I got married in a registry office rather than a church (displeasing my f-i-l) and I don't see that marriage is a religious institution.
Sexual orientation should have no bearing on marriage.
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Yes, Zivil-Gewerkschaft doesn't sound better.
Sounds like a track on an early Kraftwerk album.
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I use and like partner but I read it more as "dance partner" or, perhaps, "partner in crime" than anything cold or businesslike.
As well as all the no-box-to-tick hassles I've had two really upsetting "labels" arise from the lack of vocabulary to define our relationship (defacto for 13 years). When I was pregnant with my first baby (now almost 9yo) my marital status was listed on my notes as "single (supported)" and when my partner's sister died I was listed in the death notice as her "friend which isn't awful but implies something very different from "sister-in-law".
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There are people who are unhappy because they are not legally allowed to marry, and I don't think "oh come on, marriage sucks anyway" is an adequate response to that.
That's true, and then there's Devin and Glenn...
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Once every couple of months or so, someone tries to marry me. It seems to be expected: I'm supposed to be married, so people will marry me. They do it quite casually: "Your husband", they'll say. "You and your husband", "Emma's husband".
It's hard to know what to do.
Politely but firmly end the conversation, and don't enable the general dumbing-down of social life any further. Seriously, what an offensive impertinence.
OF course, there's Judith "Miss Manners" Martin's priceless response on being asked the proper mode of address when introduced to a homosexual couple.
The answer in its entirety:
"How d'you do? How d'you do?"
Which sounds about right to me for everyone. Otherwise, if someone you meet doesn't volunteer the nature of their relationship to their companion (spouse/CUP-cake/fuck-buddy/sibling/third-cousin/workmate/"escort"/random hook-up), just assume it's none of your business.
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"I support this idea in theory. In practice, I don't see it having a shit's show of actually happening."
Oh. Reality.
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So Mrs Emma Hart Hyphen (insert surname of male partner here), how long have you been suffering from this affliction?
;-)
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OF course, there's Judith "Miss Manners" Martin's priceless response on being asked the proper mode of address when introduced to a homosexual couple.
Or any couple surely. This could be the Blunt Question Of The Year:
"Hello, how do you do. Are you a zero, a one or a two penis couple?"
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@Ross: Which occurred to me as soon as I hit post the first time, and did an ETA to make that point.
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I believe Giovanni's wish is for marriage to cease to exist as a legal institution. So everyone would have to get civil unions.
Then marriage would only exist as a social institution
This is already the case. If you have two legal institutions that are exactly equivalent (not quite the case yet, I know), then for all intents and purposes they're social institutions. It's up to us to reject one in favour of the other.
On a not unrelated note: I just came back from Italy, where I received some sad news: our dear friends Franco and Doris got married. We look up to these guys a lot - they made some of our choices (not getting married, being a conscientious objector in Franco's case) when they meant actual hardship; but as soon as they became retirees, they couldn't put off getting married any longer without giving up the right to each other's pension, and that was the one risk they cound't afford to run. There is still no legal alternative to marriage in Italy, and so they bit the bullet. I still feel a lot sadder for people who are forced to make that decision, than for those who have two institutions available to them, and regret not being able to opt for the one that has always discriminated them (and treated women in general as property).
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The word I like best was gifted to me by a twinkly Scottish professor: "bidie-in". He, like me, was highly sceptical of the intrusion of the state into matters of the heart.
Shortly thereafter, I went ahead and contracted a marriage of inconvenience with my bidie-in. In the circles we moved in at the time, it was by far the kinkiest thing we could have done, so we mostly kept it on the down-low.
Except there was the one night I let slip to a classmate, as we were having dinner in one of the handful of restaurants in our tiny college town. He pushed his chair back from the table and bellowed "You're MARRIED?!"
Silence fell, heads turned, ears pricked up, cutlery hovered above plates; we continued amiably devouring the pad thai and talking literary theory...
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I used to refer to my girlfriend as my "It's Complicated", back when I used Facebook. Now I do like to un-ironically use "ladyfriend" to indicate that she is, indeed, a lady, not a girl.
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Some more options:
Mate. Works everywhere except the Commonwealth.
Soulmate. Dualists only.
Helpmate. Probably best only after 20 years.
Spouse. A bit dry.
Other Half. Suggests you are a bit broken.
Concomitant. Does evoke prison imagery rather like...
Ball and Chain.
Consort. Not sure if it's gender neutral.
Counterpart. Might make people scared of them.
Familiar. Typically magic is expected.
Monogamist. Way too close to monotonous. -
compagn(a|o)
If it has an "a" on the end of it the word is feminine.
Correct me if I'm wrong Giovanni.
Languages with genders. -
We are permanently engaged -- we had such good intentions, but weddings are so expensive and stressful, and if we wanted to spend so much money and be that stressed, we could just buy a house...
Apropos "companion": years ago, I was in the National Youth Orchestra. The guest conductor was Piero Gamba, a portly middle-aged man who explained to us that although he was Italian, he lived in Uruguay because he owned a Maserati and there is no speed limit in Uruguay. Gamba was accompanied by the much younger and much more attractive Maria. I can still clearly remember Erin St Clair, master of NZBC pronunciation, introducing them to the assembled young people: "this is Mr Gamba, and this is his... com-PAN-ion, Maria."
I can never hear the word companion now without thinking about this.
Finally, we got a phone call last night. The caller wanted to speak to Mr Lowry*, was that me? I explained that there was no Mr Lowry, but that Ms Lowry was available if required. So if Emma got accidentally married the other day, what just happened to me? Or did Kathy get a sex change?
*it became evident that it was a cold call to do with home ownership. I guess you would only ever want to talk to men about that on account of delicate ladybrains not being able to cope.
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Except there was the one night I let slip to a classmate, as we were having dinner in one of the handful of restaurants in our tiny college town. He pushed his chair back from the table and bellowed "You're MARRIED?!"
Oh, I do relate to that. There are a few peripheral friends I have who were somewhat, perhaps less violently than in your case, Jolisa, surprised that I, a feminist scion in my social circles, would be married. And then, having got over their surprise, and after having found out how long I have been married for, wanted to know how to make a successful marriage.
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If it has an "a" on the end of it the word is feminine.
Correct me if I'm wrong Giovanni.
Languages with genders.You are, indeed, correct.
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Consort. Not sure if it's gender neutral.
Hey, there have been princes and princesses consort over the years.
In the 2008 interview that is a permanent fixture on my iPod, Max Gimblett refers to his wife Barbara Kirshenblatt-Gimblett as "forty-five years my consort" - said with such evident love and respect that this term earns my vote (for what little that is worth) pretty much by default.
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I can't speak for Mrs, but I detest being called Ms.
Heh. I HATED being called 'Miss', and I equally HATE being called 'Mrs', and insist on 'Ms' everywhere. We damn wimminz, with our variables.
I got married in 2001, before even giving this whole equal rights thing much thought. (For I was/am privileged and ignorant, yadda. There is also a wee diamond in my wedding ring, for the same reasons. Also, once I threw out a recyclable plastic container because it had been in the fridge so long I couldn't bear to open it and see the horrors within. Mea culpa.) But I am the yappy little dog of gay marriage now, oh yes. I think this 'fuck the institution altogether' thing is all very well unless you're one of the group of people who would very much like to dress up like a penguin/meringue* and isn't allowed to because of the Wrong Number of Penises.
*I wore black to my wedding, so I suppose I was the penguin in that instance.
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Amy is my "wife" for the reason that the word encompasses everything you need to know about our relationship
But the one thing it doesn't encompass is that you've deliberately chosen not to get married.
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Not as bad as "ladyfriend": a term usually used by wives.
I love "manfriend". It's either that or the Steve Gray-ism "current root".
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JoJo,
And yet many of my friends who have had civil unions do choose to use the term 'wife', even though they can't legally get married. In my social circle, the terms 'wife' is no longer related solely to getting married, but also to the legal contract of the civil union.
And it can be handy, as it immediately makes it clear that your partner is also female, avoiding many of those awkward moments when people try not to trip over a personal pronoun: "Your partner, is he/she/they ..."
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