Field Theory by Hadyn Green

Something that has become abundantly clear to me over the last few months is that I cannot be a cricket fan. This was brought home in a very large sense for me on Friday night when I watched the most exciting and intense game of cricket ever.

Sadly though it was a Twenty20 match and so that makes me "common", and not a real fan at all.

Dom, my friend and guide for the evening assured me that the newer, shorter form of the game was the way of the future. One day games, and possibly even test matches, would become a thing of the past in this world of YouTube-length attention spans. Twenty20, at roughly two or three hours, is a perfect summer night sports event.

But I didn't agree with Dom. Test matches are the pure form of the game. The marathon compared to the 400m that is the one-day game and the 100m sprint of Twenty20. And TV needs all three forms as well.

Tests fill in those long hot weekdays of summer, lazing about, leather on Willow (capital letter added to make Emma giggle), and all the slow pace that you expect from the English game. While one-dayers have the appeal of a single day event, like a music festival, you go and be a bit loud and the best bit is the final act.

Twenty20 is bubblegum cricket. You only have to go for a short time you don't have to pace yourself (much like the young gentleman who was removed by the police on Friday). You can enjoy, without being bored by, slow overs where the field is set and reset (you can also boo, naturally).

As the last over started on Friday, Dom and I were quite loud. I assume we were also quite funny because we were getting looked at by other crowd members.

All around us and all over the stadium there were signs and flags supporting the Indians. One sign said "Slum Slog Cricketeers", how very clever. Directly above us there was an enclave of Indian supporters, whose flags would be thrown about this immense pride whenever India took a wicket or hit a particularly good ball.

And the Indian fans need so much credit. I know at times they can be over the top, setting things on fire and whatnot, but the ones at the Stadium on Friday were screaming and shouting and whipping the rather dull New Zealanders into a frenzy.

This lot were part of the largest gathering, despite security's best efforts to make them disperse. Why are they such dicks? When I went down with my media pass I was told to "take your photos and get out". I promptly took a large number of pics and interviewed one of the loudest guys, and basically took my time.

And this was the loudest guy, a local supporting New Zealand (seriously), was insistent that the greatest cricketer in the world at the moment was Brendan McCullum and that Virender Sehwag was maybe second. And he only added Sehwag upon my follow up question of "really?"

He was, however, intensely proud of the Indian team and he was just generally stoked to see them play. As it seems were all the other fans (including the guy we saw in the Sri Lankan uniform). But the best part was I couldn't believe there were no munters (apart from the aforementioned man who was removed).

Half time at the Twenty20 was embarrassing. Dom and I dubbed it Westpac Side Story, because we are hilarious when drunk. What I liked was that the two sets of girls who were having the fake dance fight were called "entertainment dancers" by the ground announcer.

Oh and it was not long after the dancers and about the time the gentlemen was being arrested that the stadium filled with smoke. Others noticed but the game was already looking good but I don't anyone wanted to evacuate until after the final over.

And what a final over. Dom was sure all they needed was four fours. First ball we got a single. Then another. And another. The crowd were anxious. Both sets of supporters felt that the entire match was going to come down to these last three balls like some poorly written sports biopic.

A four! We went, as the saying goes, a little mental.

Another four! At this point we were just roaring. It had little to do with cheering it was just us putting all of our effort into making noise.

At some point in this over another munter showed up. He threw a bottle at a security guard. Much like this paragraph, all it did was break up the game and remove some of the tension, which, despite how much tension hung in the air, was not a relief.

The last ball was ready. The Indian fielders had crowded in to stop the single. McCullum swung and it lobbed up into the air.

Everyone went nuts. Kiwi fans thought it was going for miles. Indian fans thought it was a sitter.

Everyone went quiet. Kiwi fans thought it was going to be caught. Indian fans thought it was going to be dropped.

The ball grazed the fingers of the unnamed fielder and fell to earth and we, once again, went nuts.

I have a gauge on sporting events: when I leave, if I can still speak without sounding like Bonnie Tyler, then it sucked. When I got home on Friday I could barely speak at all. I finally like cricket, it's just the wrong kind.

[update: all of my pics are in this Flickr set, including this shot of <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/hadyn/3319961844/in/set-72157609394483688/" target="_blank"Jesse Ryder]

I've been away for a wee bit (blame Webstock), so let met fill you in on what happened in sport during that time: nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing The Black Caps beat India in the 20/20 nothing nothing.

Sure the NBA keep going and the European football leagues played and the Super 14 plodded through another dull early-season yawn-fest. But nothing actually happened.

Ian O'Brien was suitably upbeat about the victory down south:

From the notes we had gathered on these batters I had made some shorter notes that I had on a piece of paper in my pocket. I referred to these quite a few times while we were out there, in time I'll have them in memory, until then, I don't mind having to refer to my notes so that I am not getting the plan wrong. A quick little school up on them both and I'm into it. I felt pretty good, I did notice myself running in too hard for the first ball and pulled it back before I got to the crease, relaxed into it and got off to a nice start. I finished the over in the best way possible, a smile on my face, a leap and punch in the air, a whole heap of high fives and middle stump lying flat on the ground; now that is a great feeling!

So while both captains are saying that the Christchurch game means nothing in terms of confidence, you just know New Zealand are feeling on a bit of a high while India will be plotting deadly big-hitting revenge.

James over at Editing the Herald noticed that the recent Oscars had meant an increase in terrible puns relating to the cricket:

• slumdog millionaires
• fun-slog millionaires
• run-clog millionaires
• slumdog billionaires
• hotdog-bun millionaires

Meanwhile the ads for the Indian series look familiar. Very clever, I wonder if anyone else has thought of spoofing iPod ads?

Also I don't really see cricket as a Rock n Roll kind of sport. I like the idea of the players doing something rock-starish when they've just scored a six or got a wicket or something, but if cricket was music it'd be …country?

I'm going to be at the game tonight so if you see me say hello and whatever other expletives you feel is necessary. I look like this (in the grey t-shirt). I'll put up my summary tomorrow sometime (or follow the #thecricket tag on Twitter).

Also for those who love British comedy the latest episode (20/2/09) of the Friday Night News Quiz (on BBC radio podcast) has a very funny section on cricket (about 5 minutes in). It includes a story where Geoffrey Boycott walks up a young boy he has never met and asks: "So do you bat or do you bowl?"

But I tell you what; those bloody Breakers have been doing well. I know they are one game away from dropping out of the play-offs but you could also say they are two games away from playing in the finals. So, even if they lose the best-of-three series to the Tigers, bloody good on them for doing so well.

Meanwhile in the high-stakes world of money, fast cars, fast women and drugs that is first class English football rugby, prop Matt Stevens has been banned for two years for testing positive to cocaine. He was pulled from both the English and Bath rugby teams as soon as the positive test was revealed. Still it must've been totally worth it, right? Congratulations England, you've now got your own Wendell Sailor.

Finally, from Richard Irvine's Links on a Friday comes the greatest sports commentator ever.

Ever watched a game and thought that the ref was being a little easy on the home team? Ever thought that the ref was making a few “parking lot” calls? Well you’d be right.

Per Pettersson-Lidbom and Mikael Priks studied the effects of the crowd on refereeing in Italian football matches to see if the home crowd had an effect on the calls and, if so, how much an effect it might be and in which direction.

After a bout of hooliganism in early February, 2007, the Italian government began requiring soccer stadiums to fulfil certain security regulations; those stadiums that did not meet the requirements would have to hold their games without spectators. As a result, 25 games were played in empty stadiums that month allowing Petterson-Lidbom and Priks to examine game stats and see whether referees were more disposed toward the home team when the bleachers were filled with fans than when the stadium was empty.

The researchers looked at fouls, yellow cards, and red cards and found that referees were more likely to penalize the home team (and less likely to penalize the away team) in an empty stadium. They also noted that there did not seem to be any effect on the players from the crowd.

One of the interesting things in the results is that refs showed no favoritism toward the home team in games with spectators -- they handed out about the same number of fouls and cards to the home and away teams in those games. The bias shows up in games without spectators, where they hand out more fouls and cards to the home team. (The difference is not statistically significant in games with spectators but is in games with spectators.)

Or the refs had a bias against the home teams for not complying with the security rules. It’s the problem with causality in “natural” experiments.

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Texan billionaire, wife-grabber, and cricket fancier and financier Sir Allen Stafford has been charged with “massive fraud”.

The Texan financier was named in a complaint filed at a US federal court in Dallas and accused of "orchestrating a fraudulent, multi-billion dollar investment scheme". US District Judge Reed O'Connor has entered a temporary restraining order and frozen Stanford's assets.

Due to this turn of events the England and Wales Cricket Board has decided to cease sponsorship negotiations with Stafford for the 2010 English Premier League Twenty20 tournament. Frankly giving the current world economy if someone says they have loads of dosh to pour into sponsorship at the moment you should look at them sceptically.

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The Penrith Panthers have hired a gay male cheerleader for next season. Personally I couldn’t care less; cheerleaders for me are not part of sport. (Cheerleading is a type of gymnastics and so can be called a sport in itself however)

So Aaron Neich (video at the link) will be the first male cheerleader, gay or otherwise, for the Panthers, and he’s expecting some flack.

"I have had it all my life, I have grown up with getting names called, if people call me a gay poof, I am and I don't care. If you have got it, flaunt it."

But we should get something clear first; Panthers fans and rugby league fans in general will be throwing him flack and possible the occasional bottle because, and I speak in generic terms, they are munters. Secondly, Aaron could be the manliest guy wearing a singlet and sinking a VB while taking great pleasure in the fact that he gets to be in close physical contact with the other non-male cheerleaders, and the Penrith fans would still call him a “gay poof”.

Still good on the Panthers for hiring him, though they would’ve made a bigger stir by hiring a straight guy for the munter ladies to drool over.

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On yesterday’s very quick piece about the Chiefs having names on the backs of their jerseys, it seems I have a short memory (thanks Naly for the link). Anyone else remember names on the back of rugby jerseys?

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I’m going to be at Webstock on Thursday and Friday. Come up and say hello if you want. I look like this</a.>.

I will also cover any possible random breakout of a cricket game (which has been threatened) at the conference.

I know there are only a few people here who are actually happy that the rugby season has started. Those would be the people who either don't like cricket (not me) or the people who realise they can watch both. But because they really are a minority group I will only quickly talk about about the opening round of the Super 14.

Compare and contrast the Crusaders v Chiefs match with the Lions v Cheetahs match.

In the dying minutes of the former the Crusaders had a one point lead and the possession on the Chiefs goalline. Eighty minutes had passed and the Crusaders could not get a bonus point try. However they kept battering away until Casey Laulala scored. (Final score: 19-13 Crusaders)

In the dying minutes of a surprisingly exciting match between the Lions and Cheetahs the scores were level and both teams had a four-try bonus. The Lions began banging over drop-goals. (Final score 34-28 Lions)

Why didn't the Crusaders kick a drop-goal? It was the final play of the game and a kick attempt (good or not) would've brought about the final whistle. Did the Crusaders want to deny the Chiefs a close-loss bonus point? Quite possibly. The teams do seem evenly matched and bonus points could put the Chiefs ahead at the end of the season.

So why did the Lions start kicking? I think it's because they aren't very good. The Crusaders and the Lions are miles apart when it comes to self-esteem. The Lions really didn't want to lose whereas the Crusaders really didn't want the Chiefs to come away with anything.

A couple of quick side notes:

• I told you Sione Lauaki is good at Super 14 level. Shame he couldn't translate that up to the All Blacks. Oh and Lelia Masaga is built of speed
• Also I hope everyone noticed that the <a href="http://www.photosport.co.nz/viewphoto.php?source=search&page=&searchField=HEADLINE&searchstring=%22Super%2014%20-%20Crusaders%20v%20Chiefs,%2014%20February%202009%22&orient=&sort=&sortorder=&linkperpage=20&albumId=48048&albumId=48048&imageId=689773&page=1&imagepos=1" target="_blank"Chiefs have NOBs. That is of course Names On Backs. I can't think of a single other time I have seen this on a rugby jersey and I think it's awesome. Adidas if you're reading this you need to start selling them (oh and radial arching might look good too).

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Dan Vettori was right to get angry at his team. While he is still the #1 ODI bowler (Mills is #3) his ten friends in black are letting him down. The 20/20 should have been seen as a proxy for the final in the Chappell-Hadlee trophy (although with a one-run loss maybe it was) and the Kiwis should've blasted to victory chasing the Aussies small total on a batter's pitch.

Aren't we all tired of the Black Caps teasing us with these flashes of brilliance? Can't they just be good or be terrible? Sigh.

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On the weekend I received two books on sport (and one on Tikis and one on cocktails amongst other gifts, friends are awesome). One is the biography of a pioneer cricketer and missionary in China (Note: I haven't found out if there should be a comma after "pioneer" yet).

The other book was a collection of The Best American Sports Writing. Naturally this collection is very large and includes Norman Mailer, Tom Wolfe, John Updike, and Hunter S Thompson among some other greats. There s even an entire chapter on stories about Muhammad Ali.

I know the cricket book was a none-to-subtle hint, but hopefully both books will mean you get longer and more descriptive accounts of the games. Maybe I can be imbedded in the All Black squad when they go to Zaire to play the Wallabies.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all my friends who helped me celebrate my 30th on Saturday; especially my baby, who organised an alternate reality "video game" around downtown Wellington. We ended up dancing in the wee hours at San Francisco Bathhouse's Atomic to the best of the 80s (and some 90s) and I had the realisation that if I had kids, that they would've been cringing.

This headline caught my eye this morning:

Rugby chiefs reject Maori tour proposal

Mainly because tours are a good thing. And the New Zealand Māori touring the country or even overseas would be "good for the game".

The deal was rejected because the NZRU didn't want outside managerial control of the team. And I don't really care about that. What I care about was a throw away line in the article:

Last year the NZRU, worried about worsening global economic conditions, decided to sideline the Maori, Heartland 15 and Black Ferns programmes - saving $1 million.

Wait, what?

I knew the first two had been cut (and I was unhappy about it) but the Black Ferns? Our most successful rugby team ever!? Surely I had missed the press release. So I searched for "black ferns" in the NZRU release and admist the:

Black Ferns beat Wallaroos to win series

and other victories and team announcements, nothing.

At time of writing nobody has got back to me from the NZRU answering my questions, so I'm just going to assume it's true, hence, they can eat a bag of dicks. (I will rescind said bag should it turn out to be false and thanks to Richard Irvine for introducing me to the phrase).

Ok, now to the tournament you've been waiting for since the rugby season ended those many sports-void months ago: The Super (really fucking amazing) 14.

Actually it should probably be renamed "The Super 5, the 6 or so others that show flashes of brilliance and the 3 who just make up the numbers".

All the safe-bets are in with the TAB and the Crusaders seem to be the favourites, in New Zealand at least. This is despite the fact that God-like wundercoach Robbie Deans is plying his awesomeness overseas leaving the team to Todd Blackadder.

The Highlanders are overwhelmingly the optimistic favourite. The story for the last month is how good they are feeling about the upcoming tournament. Whether anyone will show up to watch is another matter entirely.

The Chiefs are raring to go. This is good. They still have Sione Lauaki. This is also good. Lauaki tends to play well at Super 14 level thus fooling All Black selectors into thinking he is a very talented player and not actually a bumbling fool. The Chiefs will fade down the stretch though, or whenever it is they start their South African trip (week 10).

And what is there to say about the Hurricanes? They will look incredibly good, have a win/loss record higher than 0.500 and make the play-offs before destroying the hopes of all of their supporters. Because that's what they do, they use you and then spit you out like garbage. God, why don't they love us and much as we love them! Ahem.

And finally the Blues. I have to careful what I say here because the boss likes this rag-tag bunch of misfits. I believe the last time the Dropkicks talked about the Blues with Russell he had a rum-based realisation that Pat Lam was going to be the coach and that might backfire. But really, seriously, don't be surprised if the Blues are in the final. They are that kind of team.

As for the foreigners, well I see Australia dominating the bottom of the table while South Africans get two teams (Sharks and Bulls) through to the play-offs.