Field Theory by Hadyn Green

You know it's a bad game when even Irene van Dyk isn't smiling. The Silver Ferns were completely outplayed last night by a team that has a week of preparation, and whose 1.96m star goal shooter was out with an injury.

So when the coach shows up to the press conference and says that one of the reasons the team lost was the lack of preparation, you have to look a little bit sideways at her. The press conference was a wonderful study in body language. Casey Williams hardly looked up and picked at her fingernails, Ruth Aitken sat sternly and defiantly, Temepara George stared into the distance with a vague smile but answered questions in her usual bubbly fashion.

There was no bubbliness during the game.

It started out alright. The Ferns had the centre pass and scored. That was pretty much the only time they led with confidence. A rally in the third quarter gave them another brief lead but the momentum was always with the World 7.

Mkloma and Mentor ranged about in defence and harried the Ferns shooters like they did on the fateful English tour. Mkloma was doing everything that Casey Williams wasn't.

Williams, who is usually a fucking axe, was not up to her usual stuff. She didn't gel with Katrina Grant (at GD). When Joline Henry came on in the third to replace Grant the combo was slightly better but Williams at times just looked lost.

I started watching her off the ball. She was frustrated. She had no vigour or aggression. Catherine Latu, a last-minute replacement for Romelda Aitken and not the most mobile player, was getting the best of one of the world's best defenders. Latu would go on to be MVP of the match.

I felt sorry for the Wellington crowd. They tried the cheering, they banged the inflatable things together, they even tried to rally the team in the fourth quarter. Maybe the stadium is cursed? Even the Pulse's win came at Te Rauparaha Stadium in Porirua. I'm sure that in Tauranga my Mum was shouting at the TV, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Yeah the PM came down after the game, which must've cheered up the team.

And so matching the body language of the World 7 at the press conference. The coach fiddled with her wedding ring and gave short choppy answers – nervous talking to media but clearly happy with the win – and captain Natasha Chokljat ("chocolate") was grinning from ear to ear.

There are positives to take from this game (George and Langman had great games, Mike and Jed took some great photos) just not many. So how long before Ruth Aitken is cut as coach?

I woke up on Sunday with a voice that sounded not unlike Brad Thorn. It was slightly worse the night before. I had spent a good forty or so minutes yelling at the television screen. And yelling quite loudly too.

One-point wins seemed to be the new thing. We had just come from the Wellington-Auckland shield challenge, where a second-half of pressure from Auckland looked the business until the very end. My Wellington-supporting friend sat beside me making nervous jokes. I didn't really care either way (though of course if Auckland had won then Bay of Plenty would be challenging this week) so I got to enjoy some great attacking rugby without any angst either way.

Not so during the All Black game. First of all, the pub we went to thought they'd let the DJ play Michael Jackson tracks over the game. Thankfully before the haka this was rectified due to all of the patrons yelling at the bar manager. When he finally relented with a grumpy "I'll see what I can do", my friend said "because if you don't we're all leaving".

I'll tell you what I liked about this game. The All Blacks played pretty much the same gameplan as last week, but with Carter kicking for territory and the instances of running turned down a few percentage points. While the ball was booted up and back a few times the general rule of thumb for the All Blacks was to run it in an attacking fashion.

Of course what that means is we have a lot of rucks and what that means is there are more opportunities for the referees to accuse us of cheating (which we are doing some of the time). Oh and I'd like to see the Australians heavily penalised for their new tactics of taking players out in the air, it's just as dangerous as a spear tackle.

So the end result was the game we always want: close, full of running rugby, poor refereeing decisions, a yellow card to the opposition, and a gritty win that's only decided in the dying seconds. Perfect. Even Chris Rattue was happy with Graham Henry, mostly:

Graham Henry has the semblance of a good side, but by this point in the season they should be far more competent than they are …

As an ardent critic of the Henry reappointment and regime, I gladly admit here that he deserves praise for keeping a struggling team in the Tri-Nations hunt and retaining the treasured Bledisloe Cup. You can't scoff at that, and sometimes, at this level, winning is indeed enough.

Henry has handled a lot of pressure and may still emerge victorious out the other side. His side has not dropped its bundle and may indeed be starting to pick it up.

I wouldn't bother reading Stephen Jones.

I am currently taking wagers on how long Robbie Deans will stay as coach (I currently think he won't make it to 2011).

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Well done England! If the Australians were reeling a little from the Bledisloe, then the Ashes defeat was a nice kick in the sack. For me it's one of those things I don't really care too much about because now we have to put up with arrogant England supporters (at least they're further away).

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Apparently the Bay of Plenty rugby team were a work of fiction until this weekend. Despite good wins over Northland and Counties (without a coach) and a self-asserting win over Wellington, they weren't considered anything but a fluke until they beat Waikato.

Andrew Saville introduced coverage of the weekend rugby with "Bay of Plenty have proven themselves to be the real deal". In what world and in what tournament would a team that reached the semi-finals last year and is unbeaten after three rounds not be the real deal?

The implication is that Bay of Plenty wasn't considered to be a threat by the two Super 14 franchise-bases they played. If your coach does not consider a team it his competition to be a threat and you lose, that does not mean that team fluked a win. It means that the team was a threat and you were ill-prepared.

Auckland's one-point loss to Wellington was a truly fun game to watch (even though I almost broke some Radio New Zealand equipment in the media box and had to leg it). Mike got a very good snap of the try that wasn't. The reason why it wasn't given was quite clear from upstairs: the ref was on the wrong side and just saw the ball skitter away. With no help from the touch-judge or a video ref he couldn't award the try.

What I don't want to hear are people boo-hooing about what a travesty it would've been for Wellington to lose the Shield after a call like that. Other teams haven't won the Shield because of calls like that, so I think Wellington could suck it up.

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Saturday was a fairly sporty day in fact. I started that day with a round of Urban Golf with friends (photos here and here). It is most definitely the perfect way to start a sunny Saturday.

Here is my advice to Air New Zealand Cup teams: get rid of your coach. They only stuff things up, walking around with their high-falutin' ideas, thinking they're so great.

Bay of Plenty followed this plan and is sitting at the top of the table with three wins from three games and don't think that I'm not really fucking pleased about that. Especially because the last win was against Wellington, a team I had picked to make the final.

To be fair, as much as I love that my team is the only unbeaten team in competition (had I mentioned that?) I can't see them staying there. Though it wouldn't be a stretch to see them in the finals (assuming they keep playing how they are).

The most interesting thing about this season of the Air New Zealand Cup might not be who wins (I had Canterbury vs Wellington in the final, with Hawke's Bay as my wildcard), but who is in the bottom four. These wooden-spooners will already be 20% behind when it comes to selecting which teams stay in next year's Premier Division.

I can see no tears being shed if Taranaki, North Harbour, Bay of Plenty or Hawkes Bay (the best of the non-Super 14 bases) were dropped down. But imagine the whinging we'll be subjected to if Otago goes or Waikato (both currently 1-2 on the season).

And what about Big Auck? Auckland look to be taking up one of those basement spots and even after a dismal display last season will their population base be too big for them to be relegated? And what happens if they, once again, end up at the bottom of the table in 2010? Can you relegate the province with the largest population base?

If Steve Tew thought his press conferences were tough now, wait until he has to defend relegating a Super 14 franchisee.

I have to say though I had a wonderful time at the Auckland v Canterbury game a couple of weeks ago. The crowd seemed larger packed into only two stands (the skeletons of new loomed behind the coaches' pre-fab shelters) and were much more vocal than the last Auckland match I attended (some time around the turn of the century).

There was a loud kid somewhere near us who really knew his rugby and talkative Brit behind us. Mr Brown even did a fair bit of yelling himself. I will admit to feeling a little worried about possibly yelling too much, but in the end Auckland needed yelling at (no up-field vision, stupid option taking, and useless kicking).

Two big things from that match was that no matter how much the ball looked like it would go out in the north-west corner the ball would bounce back into play. I think three times in total the ball would bounce right to the edge of the line and then bobble back into play.

The other thing was when I went to buy beer in the second half. I was 50 cents short and there were no eftpos facilities. The woman at the till said that some had dropped a coin behind the cash register and it may have been a 50. She moved it to reveal a 10c piece. So now I'm 40c short. She asks the other vendor who says she has 40c in her jacket pocket and goes to get it. In the meantime a passing St John's Ambulance worker walks past and offers a dollar coin. At which point the drunk guy with dreads (who had been chatting to the second vendor) said to the Ambulance man "put that away! You guys are collecting for money. Here" and he passed over the required 40c. I thanked everyone and said that they were various shades of awesome to which the first vendor said "No worries you have fun!"

I'm still looking for an opportunity to pay the favour forward.

Also comparing the crowd in Auckland to the crowd in Wellington for the Otago Ranfurly Shield Challenge I would have to say Auckland fans > Wellington fans.

In the international game we've got a "revamped" All Black squad prepping to play the Wallabies. The naming of the team brought up an interesting issue for me: the lack of decent nicknames for rugby players. And I don't mean some of the brilliant ones Jedi comes up with.

Joe Rokocoko may be having a form slump but his nicknames (Joey Rockets et al) are some of the best in recent years. Last night Steve Hansen talked about Kieran Read replacing Rodney So'oialo. He referred to Read by his nickname, "Read-o". Seriously, Read with an O at the end.

No "Dr K". No "Read Write". No "Kieren Bear".

I loved it when, a year or so ago, it was revealed that Jason Eaton was called "Pig". There's something familial about it.

After we watched Usain Bolt jack-up the 100m record Amy turned to me and asked "if you could run that fast what would you do?" "What do you mean?" "Like you could just taunt a tiger and then run away", her eyes focussed off in the distance with the thought of that much power.

That fact that Bolt still looks like he's jogging when he's travelling that fast only increases the appearance of superheroic abilities. And on the line he's still giggling and mugging for the camera. In fact he's already saying he could run a 9.4 race.

The only time I've seen Bolt look serious was when someone stole his drink bottle from the press conference. And rightly so, expect that bottle to show in the next few days with steroids in it.

And if you're finding 9.58 seconds hard to understand here it is as represented by the Beatles.

The smashing of the men's 100m record not enough to blow your mind? What about Russian pole-vaulter Elena Isinbaeva losing? Losing as in coming dead last. She didn't make any of her heights and Poland's Anna Rogowska won with a height of 4.75m. What's going on?

For Isinbaeva, I guess it was inevitable, for one can only dominate for so long. What is of concern, however, is that it's not as though other women have closed the gap, but rather that she has come back to them. It might be expected that with Isinbaeva regularly clearing 4.90m, and setting the standard at 5.05m, at least a few women would start to edge nearer. They haven't, but Isinbayeva has returned to their level. Changes to technique, perhaps?

And of course New Zealander Valerie Vili won gold. Shot putt is sport I don't really understand in terms of strategy. Surely you just throw it as hard as you can each time? Right?

At least athletics doesn't have to worry about silly suits (anymore), just steroids.

Finally, included in this weekend's package of surprising factoids is that a red shirt wearing Tiger Woods on the last day of a major is a fucking lock and can not lose under any circumstances. That's what you get for quoting statistics that boil down to: "well it's never happened before".

Interestingly it seems one reporter was ahead of the others in breaking the story. A whole day ahead.

The question -- and the telling nonanswer -- of the PGA Championship actually came a day earlier, when someone had the nerve to ask Tiger Woods whether he had ever come close to "choking" in a major.

Woods' face tightened. His eyes narrowed. But he said nothing. Instead, there was only a slight, almost undetectable nod sideways. And then he stared, almost glared straight ahead, offering nothing more.

"We'll take that to be a no?" said the news conference moderator.

Now he only has his millions of dollars, numerous endorsements and beautiful wife to comfort him and shield him from the inevitable email from Roger Federer with the subject line "RE: 15 Majors"

"And this is a South African playing jersey…" I was like a kid in a candy store, but I totally kept it together and didn't squee until I got into the car.

Given that I was going to be in Auckland and that the Air New Zealand Cup had just started, I rang Canterbury of New Zealand to see if they wanted to talk about the current provincial jerseys and other uniform matters. Sponsorship Manager Colin Gibson said over the phone, "I don't think there'll be too much to talk about". I did very well not to laugh down the phone.

The audio of the interview is here, (marvel as I struggle to name all the Air New Zealand Cup teams – sorry Hawkes Bay and Taranaki). Don't expect hard-hitting investigative journalism (until we get talking about socks!)

In a similar way to adidas, Canterbury don't make the uniforms in isolation. The teams all pick what designs they want, the colours, the advertising. Canterbury just supply the jerseys.

Now I have said before about how I don't like the swooping collars, the generic look of the jerseys across teams and the "wallabra" (hopefully Canterbury will start using that one). But seen in real life they don't look so bad.

The Wallabra is a grip material (and is also on the arms) made of small hexagons and quite interesting and weird to touch and stretch. But not as weird as the sublimated jerseys. Colin showed me a rack of uniforms and pulled out the new Canterbury Wizards top and, holding the coat hanger in one hand, pulled the jersey with the other and everything stretched. The advertising, the logos everything and then it snapped back into shape.

The South African jersey was an interesting contrast to the All Black jersey I got to review recently. While the All Black jersey was quite thin, the Springbok jersey almost had the thickness of the old cotton jerseys but with none of the weight. It was by all accounts a completely different jersey (for a very different team).

There were two big news pieces that came out of my visit with Canterbury:

• Canterbury International has been sold for a very large sum of money (admittedly this is now old news). JD Sports, who also own Lacoste, paid almost $2b for the brand in Europe and roughly 400 stores. They also own Kooga who will be taking over the Wallabies uniforms (wither the wallabra?).
• The new Black Caps uniforms will be without the unusual "robo-boobs" across the front. I suggest buying them up now because they will be collectibles in the future.

Also why doesn't anyone care about socks?