Well I’d be lying if I said that a bunch of skinny white guys doing the haka at the drop of the hat wasn’t a good thing. In the grand scheme of things mainstream New Zealanders becoming more Polynesian is a very good outcome. Sure there’s a chance they have no freaking idea what that particular haka actually means, but just the fact that they choose to express their nationality in something more seven syllables, three of which are ‘oi’, gives us the edge.
And there was a lot of passion in ‘The Haka’. Which seems to be what haka are all about, based on my limited knowledge.
What I do wish though is that teams went the whole hog, and actually performed their own haka. It’s really not difficult. Just go and spend some a bit of cash on a choreographer. Then instead of Ka Mate, Ka Mate, which has become something of a national anthem, you can have a suitable haka that will scare the piss out of your opponents. You know, something for that athletic toughness.
Anyhow, enough sour grapes. I mention all this because after years of trying unsuccessfully to find some rumoured classes in Melbourne I attended my first te reo course here in Wellington. Did you know that Urewera can be translated “hot cock”? Me neither. I’ll admit to being a little shocked. I was however familiar with tutaekuri, “dog crap”. The things you learn when translating place names…
The upshot is that after years of berating people about not being sufficiently bicultural (or paying lip service to Māori culture) I’m putting some time into making sure I’m not a hypocrite. I’ll see if I can’t actually work a little reo into Club Politique, once I learn more than “Ko Che tōku ingoa”.
But this doesn’t mean that people don’t still require a little berating. So, as a public service I think I’ve come up with a little idea that is going to make everyone’s life a lot easier.
You know how sometimes people do or say things that you simply can’t believe? They say ridiculous things, or volunteer to give up a couple of hours of their life to do nothing useful. And all you want to do to these people is hit them on the head. Not like a punch or a wallop, nothing that would actually hurt them. More like the slap on the back of the head that guy on the Moro ad gives the other guy when he doesn’t want to go swimming with those two hotties. Like the slap you want to give that guy on the BP coffee ad, were he chucks the friendly Russian girl out of the car to go have ‘a coffee’ all by himself.
Thing is, hitting people can be misconstrued. Willy-nilly hitting of people on the head is likely to not go down too well at the office for example. Unless… and this is the clincher… unless you have some sanctioned medium to administer this hitting. Something that everybody knows is legit. In a situation like that you need a something, something like a little stick, you can give that munter a wee tap to the back of the head, and he’ll know what the go is.
Obviously it can’t be a hardwood or too big, or too small, and has to be well-recognised as a friendly reminder that “you’re talking crazy”. And for this administering of common sense I’m thinking of selling a handy item we can all recognise. After all, there are plenty of times when you need to Keep A Stick Handy. Yup. KASH is the answer you’re looking for there fella. KASH for everyone.
Your mate says, “I’d like to write a PhD!”, the stick, and maybe twice, just for good measure.
Someone suggests they might like to hang out with or join the Exclusive Brethren, give them the stick, and quickly. A friend recently had a run-in with a Brethren involving a near-sexual harassment. So maybe a little more stick for those dodgy bastards as well.
Someone suggests they might buy tickets to go see Russell Crowe’s new band play, get the stick out.
Some athlete decides to haka at the drop of a hat. Show them the stick, and point them to someplace to learn a unique one.
Someone suggests our sporting types need a little more mongrel in them? The stick.
Could be a winner I think. But I could just be asking for a tap myself.
PS. While I think of it, the promised restaurant reviews are coming. In fact I’m just nipping out to a favourite, Basin Noodles on Adelaide Road. So hang tight.